Ahavat Hashem - The Love of God

To fall away is a slow fade...

2009-06-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

In that moment when I realize that I have been gradually making conscious, although small, decisions of disobedience, my heart breaks. I realize that I am responsible for where I am, and I know how I got there. It was by a string of tiny choices that led me further and further from the heart and will of my Father God. I realize, repent, and turn to Him again, wondering if there will ever be a time when I will make the right decision first instead of later.

I thank God for His grace in showing me that every decision to bear my heart when I should have guarded it, or to be still and listen instead of speak, or even simply to seek love in the approval of others instead of giving it, causes my heart to wander from Him. It's a good reminder that every time I know that there is a decision to be made, and I choose what I want when I know He has something better, it effects more than just that moment. There is no such thing as an independant moment in time...all is eternal.

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has before prepared that we should walk in them."

Worship

2008-07-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day, as was yesterday. The difference was, yesterday I just didn't see it. Renewed life is a strange thing. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's really alive, flourishing, and rejoicing. Sometimes the heart just waits quietly, and in those times the temptation to grasp loneliness is often fierce. We don't always feel joy, but I am convinced that it is always within us, because the one who made joy is within us. We just don't always choose to recognize it.
Is it something we can choose? I don't know...
Some days I just see something beautiful or read inspired words, and they touch my heart and remind me who my God really is. Worship is like a fire within my heart; it just takes the right spark to ignite it. But other times my heart feels grey, not like a stormy day, but like a canvas that hasn't been painted. I think I don't know what's going to happen, or what tomorrow will look like, or maybe I do and I just doesn't sound exciting, so I feel grey and I just stare at it. But there is a marvelous landscape behind the grey canvass, and I could look at it, I could even paint it, but I just sit there...staring...
I want every day to be a sunset day, a dance with my Dad day, a falling in love day, but my days are not all alike. Are some days meant for weathering the storm? Or are those the days that I just choose to stare at my grey canvas and refuse to watch the beauty surrounding me? I wish I knew...
I wish that tomorrow could be different just because I said so. But I really don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. What if I see the beauty, but I just don't feel inspired. I don't know if I know how to choose to worship anyway. I want to learn how to worship, to turn my heart to the Lord, even if I am not inspired by His beauty. I think that's what true worship is: choosing to fall to my knees even when I see only grey. Maybe if I did that more, I would have more falling in love days. Then true worship could become a way of life. That's what frustrates me the most about my humanity, the fact that sometimes even in all of His splendor, my eyes just can't see.

Material For Sacrifice

2008-07-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

The feelings in my heart change each day
but my striving to find what fills, what satisfies, never changes.
It's never enough that I walk away, feeling the ache in my heart
Holding tight to that ache, hoping it will satisfy.

I hold out my empty hands, hoping to receive consolation
but they are not empty, they hold my heart,
and I know I must offer it back to You.

Lovingly, you look down at my palms and whisper,
"I will not fill them, for they are already full
of material for sacrifice."
Lay this, your heart, at my feet.

So I lay it down as my tears wash it clean,
but before my heart can even touch the alter,
Your hands meet mine and receive the sacrifice.
The hands that suffered so much protect my heart today.

And tomorrow, my hands are full again,
of material for sacrifice.

For Narnia!

2008-05-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

High King Peter became immersed in his pride and honor when he first returned to Narnia. He met with Prince Caspian, gathered an army and drove them into battle. He did not wait for Aslan. Simple and pure, Lucy reminded him of what he should be fighting for. "For Narnia!" he cried, as he stormed the Telmarine city. Most of those with him died in the battle that night. He had been fighting for his honor and for the survival of Narnia, both good things, but the battle of his heart was not honorable because his focus was not on the true King, Aslan.
When Peter realized his failure and focused his heart on a greater purpose, he gathered the army to fight a second time. First, he risked his life for the Narnians by fighting the evil king alone. Then, when his army rode against thier enemy, his battle cry changed. "For Aslan!" he cried. A great change of heart for Peter accompanied the Narnians victory. He was no longer fighting for a cause, which can always become selfish, "my cause." Peter was fighting for a person, The person of Aslan. Only when we fight for a Person can our fight become true, noble, and righteous. It is then that the cause is no longer ours. We can hold no claim on the true King, but fight for Him because of His claim on us.

Do we really struggle alone?

2008-05-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

I just want us all to be who God has created us to be. Why does it seem so hard to express His Spirit who is within us, to love our lives as He has created us to, to love Him? We are all subject to fear of man if we let it overcome us, but there is so much freedom to know that when it really comes down to it, everyone struggles with the same things. We all need to feel loved, attractive, smart, like a whole person. Why is it that we feel as if we are incomplete? Perhaps it's because we are....because the whole of creation groans and yearns for the completion that will come when Jesus returns. We forget that creation groans with us, in fact, we think we are groaning alone, isolated. We become deceived to think that we are the only one who feels lost in a sea of people who have it all figured out. The truth is that everyone is very good at pretending that they are ok, but each person it that sea thinks they are struggling and everyone else is ok. We need to learn to let go of this...I think we need to learn to see the world through His eyes.

If we only saw ourselves the way He sees us, we would know that we are not only loved. We are treasured! Christ loves us as His bride, and He yearns to be with us all the time. I just want to encourage you today that if you feel like no one realy likes to be around you or really understands you, Jesus is excited to be with you. You should go spend some time with Him :)

2008-04-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

When I last wrote I was about to leap headlong into my calling, trusting that Jesus alonecould keep me bound to him. I did as He directed and became fully devoted to music, practicing four hours most days, listening constantly, thinking constantly of how to develop this gift that He continually gives me. What happened stilled my fears. Instead of losing my focus on Christ, this newfound passion for my art has placed my focus directly on my heart. The one thing I feared I would forget, the importance of the development of my inner man, this one thing He has brought up in me for deep change. The Lord has me gazing into my own heart, wondering how I might allow Him to change the depth of sin within me. Through this devotion to music, in a way I really can't explain, He has allowed me to see what needs to change in my heart, and taught me to hope that He can accomplish this great task.

The way I focus as I perform has been in constant development, and my prayer now is that in the two weeks before my recital, He will be faithful to change my heart so my sole focus may be His glory in the presentation of the music He has created.

True Beauty

2008-02-29T20:52:00.001-08:00

This week has been horrible and wonderful at the same time. Horrible in the reality of life, and wonderful in the evidence of God's unfailing faithfulness.
It began with a very sore throat and growing illness, and that left me feeling spent, and I suppose just physically exposed the raw void inside me. My heart is weary and spent, but I hide it so well on the outside. Once my body was torn down as well, I had to give in. So I did. I found out that I'm not good enough, and I have much more to accomplish than I could ever have time to do. I was at the end of myself, and people did not seem to see how much my heart was hurting. I ended the afternoon in tears, followed by a good talk with my mom. What happened next was the most amazing thing. God revealed Himself to my heart in a way that would not have been possible without the horrible day preceeding it. He showed me something amazingly simple: if I am willing to be faithful, He is willing to see me through and honor my faith. He had prepared my heart the day before with a sermon on faith. Let go of your doubt, stop comparing yourself to others and looking at your past failures, trust in God's promises and take a leap of faith. That is what I heard on Sunday, and what slammed into me on Monday night. I felt Him telling me that it was time for the next step, so gradually this week I learned what I had to do.

I guess I struggle most with how to be undyingly passionate for my art while still loving my God above all. I want to live and breathe this music that I love, but I don't really know how. I've always sort of held it at bay, afraid it would take over like I've seen it do to some. I don't want to be consumed by anything but Christ, but how then can I be full of it? It has to be for His glory...I'm not sure how to do that yet.
The purpose is true beauty, like a pure sunset reflecting His glory simply by its existence. The music should communicate the simple beauty of life. That's what Beethoven's 5th sounded like to day...it just sparkled. I wish music was like that every day. But the truth is, to get there, first comes hours of metronomic practice and endless analyzation. The hard part is to not forget the truth and beauty in the preparation. Instead, the preparation must lead to the end, a presentation of THE TRUTH to the world. His truth can be proclaimed through our faithfulness somehow, but we have to remember that the practicing is not the end, but the means to glorifying Him.
This is my heart's struggle now, and I pray and trust that He will show me how to pour myself into the music, yet be consumed by Him.

The Development of a Knight

2008-01-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

Once, there was a hero. He was brave and knightly, and there came a day when he set out to find his true love. He sought her and sought her until finally, he had almost reached his destination. He then encountered a ginormous (original word) dragon! *Gasp*. He fought the dragon and slew it. The hero then wandered distant lands looking for his love, whome he could not find. In the end, this imperfect hero had developed in character and strength, and he came to be truly complete. He and his love lived happily ever after.

This a very cool way to look at the "Eroica" Symphony, Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E-flat Major, movement. 1. You should listen to the story for yourself!

Rebirth of Freedom

2008-01-08T17:17:00.001-08:00

It's time this blog was given a new identity. I feel as though I have a new identity, so the transition should be easy :)
Something new and great is happening within me. I can just feel it. Finally the expressions of my heart are learning to come out of me in motion and words. I thought it was the right thing to do to keep things inside...I'm very much a thinker...but there is a balance of thinking and expression that I have learned for the first time. This makes life exciting, but challenging. Sometimes I'm still not sure wheter to speak or remain quiet, whether to act dramatically or in a calm way. So much thought can go into just a few secons worth of spoken word or deed. For me, anyway, the transition is quite hilarious. Thankfully, I have good friends to help me learn that thinking is not always the right decision. Sometimes you just have to let it out! Speak, squeal, laugh out loud, jump up and down, and don't worry about how it reflects or what people think! It is honestly so freeing. That is the word I was looking for: FREEDOM. That word defines what I have learned this semester.

Enough about my inner turmoils over self expression :) The reality of the past semester is that it was a lot of work, but very rewarding. I spent more time in the practice rooms then I ever have before. The results of the long and many times frustrating proces was a performance that I felt good about compared to the past, but that also gave me new challenges to move into the future with. The real performance comes with my senior recital some time in April of 2008. That is when everything I've leanred in four years comes together to prove that I am worthy of a Bachelor of Music. Kind of a scary thought!

I think that's enough for now, but I intend to be a bit more faithful to the blog now. We'll see how that goes after school starts next week!

Refreshing the Heart

2007-09-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

The price of purity is a vulnerable heart. That's not a famous quote, but a summary of the past two weeks of my life. God has brought me through a journey of discovery and renewal of my convictions this semester like I haven't experienced in a while. I began by reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, which focused my heart on the Lord. That was before the pursual began. Can it even be called a pursual? Well, yes, that is what I will call it, because no matter how the world defines these things if a man expresses interest I will say I am being pursued.

During this experience I gave way to doubts about what is right and wrong in the world of "dating". There are certain things that seem a little ambiguous like the traditional "let's get coffee" question. What does that mean? Is it always an expression of interest or is it simply a harmless way to get to know new people? So the first time it happened I did go out for coffee. I felt like I was on a date...I had exposed my heart and I knew it. I really felt for a few days that meeting a guy one-on-one for coffee would be completely harmless, that I was just overanalizing because of my lack of experience, but now after some good discussions with the Lord and close friends, I know a full committment is what God is calling me to. I don't think that everyone has a revelation of a walk that seems this...well, the world would call it extreme..but I know with all my heart that this is how I will walk until the day that I say "I do".

Edit: These thoughts and experiences really and truly brought me to a place of contentment. The Lord taught me to let every mental entanglement go, and to simply trust Him. This was not the defining experience of my semester, but a good time of learning and renewal. I know I can always trust God to remind me when he has called me to walk a certain way, and he has done just that. These are my thoughts on the issue, and they may not be the calling of most, but it is my calling, and it is from the Lord. That is enough to give me peace and confidence in God's direction.

The burden of my heart

2007-09-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

I don't think anyone reads this lately, but it helps me to articulate my thoughts, knowing someone may read them sometime. I feel like God is changing my heart in a new way. It feels broken and empty in the most astoudingly good way. It's that broken feeling where I know that He's bringing me more to the end of myself than I have ever been so I simply have to trust Him more. I've been realizing lately how large this battle against flesh really is. It seems even with my closest and dearest friends I must be guarded, and I realized tonight that I'm not guarding myself against them, I am guarding them from me! This battle against flesh makes me so weary and no matter how many times I come to this place, I always hear the same answer. "Trust me more. Hold on to me tighter. Hug me harder. Love me more," He always says. It's not about finding a cure for our lonely hearts in this world. The more lonely I am, the more I love Him. The best part is that He is so gracious, loving, forgiving, merciful, and understanding. My life is no longer a childish idea about having that church described "relationship with Jesus." I really know Him now. He is my Father, friend, comforter, brother, keeper of my heart, and so much more. Who am I that my God would be my Friend? I am so thankful.

2007-07-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

The Body of Christ

"And he gave some as apostles, some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fulness of Christ. As a result we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love." - Ephesians 4:11-16

The Lord gave me this scripture while I was praying last night. I felt His presence so strongly while I was reading it, and I really felt that He was telling me to be encouraged. I'm at a time in my life when my faith in the walking out of the works of the Holy Spirit is being challenged, and during this time God has been immensely faithful to keep me strong. He never fails to encourage me just when I begin to feel overcome with doubt, and sometimes even despair. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do I want to encourage you in this one thing: the LIFE of Jesus Christ is something we are meant to walk in every day! This one seemingly small fact is something the enemy tries to steal from us constantly. He's always telling me that real life lies in the world or that my true happines will be found when I truly discover who I am. But through the faithfulness of Christ, I must always realize that my contentment lies in knowing who I am in Him, and that means being willing to step out on a limb and walk in faith.

I don't know about you, but sometimes the things of the Spirit absolutely terrify me. No matter how much I want to experience everything that Jesus has for me, I still wonder at Him speaking through someone else, or giving someone another language, or filling the room with a "spiritual" presence. The conclusion He always brings me back to is this: I am finite and He is infinite! I don't think I'll ever be totally comfortable with His ways because my mind isn't able to wrap itself around HIM. I don't understand Him, and that is why He has given us all of eternity to delve into the depths of His character. This I do know, that we are meant to walk in abundant life, and if you walk in anything less than abundant life, you are letting Satan steal not only your happiness, but more importantly you are letting Satan steal God's glory. Let God teach you to renew your mind every day, and as you learn to listen to His voice and follow the leading of His Spirit, I promise you will be ultimately fulfilled.

Your sister in Him,
Ruth

Abundant Life

2007-07-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

God has given us so much to enjoy in this life. I was reminded only a few days ago of how precious my friends are and what a blessing it is to be with them. I really don't have many words right now, but I just wanted to say that I am enjoying life and I am very thankful for all of God's blessings. Have a wonderful week :)

My heart tonight...

2007-06-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

I wish I could explain the place that God has put me in for you, but because of who He has me interceding for, it is important that I don't speak of my mission field. I do say, though, that it has become evident that He is calling me to greater spiritual warfare that will effect my personal life as well as my ministry time. God is calling me to speak truth into an area where His word is misunderstood. I am so blessed that He has put me in this place because I can tangibly see that through the testing of my faith my heart will develop endurance. It is such a blessing for my place of ministry to also be a place of fruitful trial. I do want to say that although this theme seems annoyingly repetitive in my thoughts, there is still something that feels empty in my heart. I am continually learning to know my heavenly Father better, but as He gives me places in my life to intercede and minister to people, I find myself more strongly desiring a husband to share my heart with. I suppose it is a part of character development to learn to solely rely on Him, but it seems that to share what He is doing in my heart with parents, sister, and close friends just is not the same as it would be to share it with a life partner. There is something about the role of a husband as a protector of my heart that I wish I had, and I guess that means I need to just continually trust my heart to God. I know He has me in this place for specific purposes, and I don't (or try not to) doubt His will. My heart is so assured of the perfection of His purpose right now. It's just on my heart to express that even as I desire Him more, I still desire that lifelong purpose of marriage. I don't even know how to express what my heart is feeling. I can only say that my faith and trust is in the Lord, but my heart is frail and weak. I can't accomplish this purpose without Him, and He quietly whispers that He will always be there, but something in my heart wishes I was also ready for the earthly "other half" He has prepared for me. I feel like now that I'm kind of grown up I've realised that I'm missing part of myself..I think I'm just rambling now. Thank you for listening and I hope that somehow the trials of my heart have encouraged you in your life.

Fun stuff :)

2007-06-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that especially bless my heart and lift me up and a few others that are just fun. I would like to share them with you so here they are, in no particular order:

1. Panoramic views of Germany
2. Music from the heart of an artist
3. A writer who has an inspiring gift with words
4. Nemo, with a twist (click here, then click on trailer)
5. Explore and listen..I think you can hear parts of the sound track here

The great division of doctrine

2007-06-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

There are many things that we consider to be so important in our spiritual lives. These things are what define us when someone wants to know who we really are. They are how we pray, how we spend time with our creator, what our walk with Him really looks like, how our friends are involved in our Christianity, or how they're not. Sometimes we place too great an amout of importance on what we will hear on Sunday morning, and not enough on what it means to know Jesus. We bicker about what the pastor said or didn't say, or sometimes, knowing myself, we sit for hours and discuss doctrines of predestination, election, closed and open covenant, faith, grace, the list goes on and on and on... But what is it that we really need to know in order to walk with God? This question has been on my mind for quite some time. Each time I return from one of those hour-long discussions I find that there is one thing that never changes. He never ceases to use those times of thought and reflection to draw me closer to Himself, even if they only push me further from the answer to my specific question.
It is so important to me to really know what I believe. I find myself in moments of fear wondering how I can ever get married because what are the chances of me agreeing about the "important things" with anyone? But there is one thing that my Savior keeps bringing me back to. He is always reminding me that His grace will never run out, that his provision is everlasting, and that if I don't know the answer, He does. This doesn't take away from the wondering and the pondering. I struggle even now with the issue of closed covenant. I don't believe it. The church I'm called to attend teaches it. What do you say when you've seen a miracle and someone tells you they don't happen? What do you say when you've heard the voice of God and someone tells you that He doesn't speak? But in the end God continually shows me how amazing it is that we all love Him. We all see him a little differently through the lenses of our experience and upbringing, but we all love Him. Some of us find grace easier to grasp, others understand the law more readily but struggle with grace. Through these discussions and times of questioning I have learned this one thing: He has taught me a greater love for His Church. Maybe it seems odd that doctrinal discussion has brought me to that conclusion, and I don't want to sound like I'm saying that doctrine is not important, but we must know first our love for and relationship with Christ, and second, through that relationship we must allow Him to teach us the Truth, because when we come to the end of ourselves, we realize that He's the only one who really knows it anyway.

Summer

2007-05-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I enter the first day of a new season of my life. I plan to know God more, know myself even less (isn't it funny how the more you learn, the less you understand?), and allow my body to finally rest. I want to read a lot of Tolkien, Jane Austen, perhaps some Dumas (it's been a while sence I read "The Count of Monte Cristo") and maybe even explore an author or two that I've never read before. Next week I'll spend the week in Florida with my church learning how to die to sin and live for Christ...as well as swimming on the white sand beaches. I have some violin students, and an assignment to learn the most amazing violin concerto ever written. Am I ready? I think so. Lord, take me on an adventure!

The Space in Between Us

2007-05-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

Ich bin gestorben...this is German for "I have died", my teacher's classic example of a past participle, and one that we can never use at that. All this to say that this phrase best describes how I feel right now. My body is so worn down that I feel the weight of all the stress and late nights from the whole semester dragging me down as I attempt to finish my finals. I think it might be more of a spiritual feeling affecting the physical, because this week marks the end of a year long battle for closeness with the Father, trusting my heart to Him, and spiritual warfare. It is also a relief to see what a different person I am after having been through my trials, but still, I feel empty. Do you know that song "The Space in Between Us?" That song reflects my thoughts when it says "All I want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us." I feel that the more I know my God, the more I realize that I don't know Him, the more I read his Word as living and breathing, and the more I sense His peace even in the midst of my struggles with sin. Those are my thoughts, and with that I go to bed, hoping to rest a few hours before my last two finals begin. I leave you with these words that have been comforting me: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Seasons

2007-04-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

The weather is changing. Summer is in the air, in Texas anyway. There are only four days of class left, then finals. We just performed Mahler's "Resurrection" symphony and even through our imperfections God spoke, so much so that we received rave reviews in Ft. Worth. For the first time in my life I feel like next fall is not just another semester...it's an adventure. But God has my curiosity because I don't know what kind of adventure. I sense a changing season in my life.....what will He bring next? He has filled me with hope for the future!

He is faithful!

2007-04-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

My wonderful community of girls that I study God's word with every week had just finished praying when rain began to pour down outside. I stepped onto the front porch to find out how fast I would have to run to my car when my friend pointed out a rainbow. My first thought was how pretty it was and how long it had been since I had seen one. But as I ran to my car in the rain, staring at the rainbow all the while, I felt God speak to my heart the way he has been doing so often lately. He said "I am faithful." Just as with the first time I felt the revelation of my own sin, or the meaning of certain passages of scripture, this simple statement resounded within my heart. How is it that I have seen rainbows all my life and known that they were a symbol of God's faithfulness, but never really grasped the meaning? I felt the signifigance of this tonight because we had just finished praying for each other's deepest needs, and this was God saying "I will answer your prayers because I am faithful." What a blessing!

I love how every day my life becomes more about Jesus and less about myself, but as I receive each new astounding revelation I am more floored by my own sinfulness. My heart is excited because of Truth one moment, but in the next moment my heart breaks because of what this Truth reveals of who I am. What a journey life can be! I feel a calling of hope, not just on my life, but on all of ours lives. No matter what is happening, whether we be discouraged or excited, whether we feel loved or alone, God is calling us to hold fast to his Word and step into battle each day. His faithfulness never changes though our attitudes and feelings change moment by moment. He is faithful in all things and through all situations.

Just as a side note, I have the honor of performing (with the Baylor Symphony, Baylor Combined Choirs, and Schola Cantorum Choir of Ft. Worth) one of the most evokative Symphonies in existence. Mahler's resurrection symphony speaks clearly of our faith in Jesus bringing us into new life. He says it much better in the text of the 5th movement, so I'll let you read it yourself.

O red rosebud!Man lies in deepest need!
Man lies in deepest pain!Oh how I would rather be in heaven.
There, I came upon a broad path;
There, came a little angel and wanted to send me away.
Ah no! I would not let myself be sent away!
I am from God and will return to God!
The loving God will give me a little light,
Which will light me into that eternal blissful life!
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you My dust,
After a brief rest!Immortal life! Immortal life
Will He who called you, give you.

To bloom again were you created!
The Lord of the harvest goes
And gathers in, like sheaves,
Us together, who die.

O believe, my heart, O believe:
Nothing to you is lost!
Yours is, yes yours, is what you desired
Yours, what you have loved
What you have fought for!

O believe,
You were not born for nothing!
Have not for nothing, lived, suffered!

What was created
Must perish,
What perished, rise again!
Cease from trembling!
Prepare yourself to live!

O Pain, You piercer of all things,
From you, I have been wrested!
O Death, You masterer of all things,
Now, are you conquered!

With wings which I have won me,
In love’s fierce striving,
I shall soar upwards
To the light which no eye has penetrated!
Its wing that I won is expanded,and I fly up.
Die shall I in order to live.
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you, my heart, in an instant!
That for which you suffered,
To God will it lead you!

Letting Go: Part 2

2007-04-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

"I do believe," said Mr. Winfrey, "that everything you do should be done for the Glory of God." "Why, yes of course," agreed Mrs. Winfrey, "But then I must pose a question. Why have you spent all these years so dedicated to your politics?" "Well," Mr. Winfrey replied, "it is because I am also called to give my best to everything I am called to do." "Yes," said his wife, "but have you consulted God on every decision? Have you been willing to follow his direction at the expense of your career?" A moments silent contemplation left the two alone in each others' company, but in the decidedly obvious company of a third Presence which had been desiring to penetrate thier hearts long before this sudden conversation. Convicted by the Holy Spirit, Mr. Winfrey replied to his wife's final question through the tears that rolled down his old cheeks. "My dear, I believe I have neglected to follow my Lord, using my striving for His glory as the very excuse for ignoring Him all together." "Yes, she said, I believe we have both done this. Let us ask our Lord to change our hearts now, in our old age." With that they both painstakingly nelt to the floor, grasped each others' hands, and began to call out to the God they had left behind.

I don't know why this touching scene came to mind, but it describes how I feel exactly. You see, I have just this moment realized that my search for aproval, honor and acceptance in my field of study is just the same as any sinner's empty search for honor in this world. I have used my striving for God's glory as an excuse to seek my own. My heart is deeply convicted of this now, as I realize that there is an extent to which I can give God control over my life which I never imagined possible. It is like I have been standing in this giant room full of possibility and all of a sudden a sky light has been opened and I see more endless possibility stretching beyond where I thought the end lay.

I am so deeply touched that the God I serve would take the time to open my eyes to the tragic way I have been living and teach me who I am really supposed to be. I have so many dreams for the future, but in following my dreams I have become blind to who I really am in Christ. The reality is that our life on this earth is so fleeting that the only thing worth while is to seek Christ with all that we have, and to live to bring the message of His Gospel to the ends of the earth. I thought I had to wait until I was finished with this task to do that, but I realize now that I can live the testimony of Christ right now! I can let go of the honor I have been grasping for and simply drink in His presence. It is really ok to let go.

Letting Go

2007-04-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

When I get an idea about my future, plans I may have or places I want to go, I often grab hold of it with such fierceness that not even the word of God can rip it from my mind. Often several months later I realize that it was simply an idea and that I let myself run away with plans and dreams that were not His. That is what happened with my dream of going to Germany directly after I graduate. I know that I will go eventually, but God showed me that I was running ahead of Him with that idea. Much the same thing has happened in the past week. I realized that the main reason I was trying to play in a festival this summer was because I feel like I'm behind. It is expected by "them" that I would have participated in a major festival by now, and since this is my last summer before my senior year I feel very pressured to get everything done. I decided yesterday to let go of what others expect of me and simply follow the Lord's leading for this summer. I am auditioning for one festival and if I get in I will know it was God, because it is a world wide competition (for the Austrian American Mozart Academy during the Mozart Festival in Salzburg). I feel so free knowing that God has amazing plans for me this summer, even if that means doing office work in Waco. He knows what is best for my life...and I am learning patience and trust by the boatload :) I am so thankful that my Savior paid the price for my sin and takes the time to lead my life day by day. Happy Easter to everyone!

My Prayer

2007-03-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

Lord,

Let your faithfulness fill my thoughts
and your holiness be the meditation of my heart

Allow me to minister to others
even if I don't know where my life is going

Never let my desire for man
supersede my love for God

Don't let fears steal my joy
or pain steal my hope

Let my utmost desire
be Your honor and glory

And never let me forget your faithfulness

Let my pain remind me of your sovereignty
and my sorrow bring your peace

When my heart aches, I know that
you are God, because you always hold me

Even if I scream "Where are you?"
when you're right by my side

I know that your love endures forever.

Changing Seasons

2007-03-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

I feel a slight sadness that I would not expect to be mixed with all the joyful, wonderful and happy feelings on my birthday. I am sad to leave my teenage years behind because in some special way they symbolize childhood, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for the monumental work Christ has prepared for me. I do rest in this comfort that He has also prepared me for this work. I'm ready to move forward into adulthood, but still holding on to that little girl within me. I think she will allways be there inside of me somewhere.

I know that the age of eighteen is traditionally when one becomes an adult, but I have decided that in my life it was more of an "adult trial period". I felt like so much of an adult when I turned eighteen, but the things the Lord has brought me through in the past two years have shaped me so much that I don't even recognize that girl who was finishing her freshman year, and now I'm moving into my senior year. I think that, yes, I am sad to leave a part of my childish innocense behind, but I know that a part of walking with Christ is experiencing changing seasons, and this new season will be more exciting than I could ever imagine. I will follow Him wherever He leads me, and as I walk I hope that I can find the strength to hold my tongue, quiet my mind, and listen to His voice speak to my heart. I can feel Him reawakening the dreams of my heart!

Floored

2007-03-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am totally floored. I suppose I should have been paying more attention to what is going on in the world of homeschooling, but I haven't. I tuned into the "700 Club" by chance and heard an alarming story from abroad. Homeschooling is being challenged in the most disturbing of ways - a family has lost their daughter.

A young teenage homeschooled girl, 15-year-old Melissa Busekros, has been placed in a foster home after a year or more of psychiatric testing and evaluation. The strongest statements in defense of her "mental disorder", which has been diagnosed as "school phobia", are these: Melissa is "a highly disturbed girl who obediently and faithfully obeys the idealistic statements of her father and who describes the State as being despotic and 'fascist-like'." The CBN report also says that "Melissa demonstrates loyalty towards her father and unconditional solidarity with her family."
"They say I am influencing the children too much…," said Hubert. "They want to stop any influence of the father."
Joerg said, "If you have a good relationship to your children -- a very close relationship like in the Busekros case, it seems to be in the eyes of the officials, something which is dangerous."

If you want to read the news report you can find it at http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/117053.aspx

I am horrified that families are still enduring this kind of persecution. Please keep the people of Germany in your prayers and pray that the Busekros family will win the current court battles to get thier daughter back. They have five other children who are also in danger of being taken. There are as many as 400 homeschooling families in Germany who currently have no political rights in this area.

Eclecticness...

2007-03-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

There is a thunderstorm outside and I am enjoying it very much. I just saw "The Ultimate Gift". It is very inspiring, and although they mostly left God out of the story, the values of work, friendship, family, and love were very well expressed. I'm feeling kind of eclectic right now...I think it's because mom and dad have been gone for so long and, although I've spent some time with Grandma I feel like I've been by myself since Tuesday. Also, I feel like I've been lost in thought since Tuesday. I love what is said of Daniel in his book, chapter 7, verse 28, "...As for me, Daniel, my thoughts greatly troubled me and my countenance changed, but I kept the matter in my heart." Daniel felt the pain and fears of his situation (after having seen an amazing vision) but his heart remained steadfast. He stood firm. In my very eclectic mood I wrote a song with, I must say, a very basic chord progression, but the words are from my heart. I thought you might like to read it.

You were my first love
You were the one who wanted me
You were my wounded heart
The one who gave me eyes to see

And You are still here
in all my sorrows and all my pain
You still love me
even though I walked away

You are my comfort
The one who holds me when I cry
You are my heart beat
Even if I should die

And You are still here
when I hurt and when I cry
You give me joy
in everything in this hard life

You were my first love...

A short note...

2007-03-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Dad is doing really well and should be coming home from the hospital on Monday or Tuesday. Thank you so much for your prayers!

My peace is slowly returning as I enjoy a beautiful, restful Saturday. And, seemingly in response to spring break, all of the trees have decided to blossom. It's beautiful!! Happy spring break!

Tonight

2007-03-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say that my recital went very well. It was such a blessing to get to perform my music before my dearest friends and family! I am a little upset with myself for being so nervous, but it is to be expected :)
I do ask for your prayers now, because my Dad is having problems related to his heart surgery. He had some blood and fluid drained off his lungs and now his lung will not reinflate. He is scheduled for surgery tomorrow (Friday) morning at 9am. I would appreciate any prayers offered on his behalf!
I think this situation, which caused both my parents to be in Dallas during my recital, and also the fact that my arms hurt so much has made this experience far different than I thought it would be. I am still in a place of trials and sorrow, but I trust the morning will come as I hold onto my Jesus. This new week will bring some much needed rest and hopefully, and more importantly, peace for my soul. Thank you for your prayers!

A Day for Dreaming

2007-03-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at the computer (yes, I really am...) and wishing my homeowork away. Today feels like a day for dreaming. I want to go walk in the fields and just listen to God. I'm listening to a song called The Silent Side and just desiring above all things to listen to the voice of my Creator.
Today I have been thinking a lot about how the passions that develop within us are not accidental. Where we put the best of our energies and time and effort, there will our passions be. Does this sound familiar? "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I don't think I've ever looked at it this way before, though. I think that my Creator is calling me back to Himself. My heart hurt to realize that I have put the best of myself into my music. This is the best part, though...falling in love is not accidental!!! I've been wondering how to fall in love with Jesus, thinking that it would just happen one day. The truth is, when I choose to give Him the best of myself, then my passions will be there, where He is. I can choose to fall in love with Him! Wow...when I realize these things it seems to me that I should have known them all along, and maybe I did, but now I can express them. My mind is wandering...oh that spring break started this week! Keep listening to the voice of God :)
Ruth

Who I am

2007-02-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

This past week has been one of the hardest in my life, but I think I have finally discovered some things about myself that I didn't see before. After my trials and pain last semester, I thought God had finished working in me through that experience and that I had learned what I needed to learn: that music is a blessing that I should thank him for every day. I was very surprised when the pain not only came back, but began to get worse until last Thursday when I could no longer play. I am now sitting out an entire symphony concert, and giving up my very first opportunity to play in the city's professional symphony as well. My heart hurts, because once again, I am in a place that I never thought I would be in: I can't remember what it feels like to play without pain. Lord, is this me talking? No, not me. This was never going to happen to me...
I realized for the first time that without my identity as a violinist, I still have an identity as myself. I am still the Lord's servant, a daughter of the king, and an aspiring woman of God. Even if I had to give up the violin, I would still be me. This is a hard thing for a musician to realize, no matter how simple it may seem. I also learned this week that I don't know what I want to do after I graduate next spring. I thought I had my plans laid out, but now I've realized that I don't even want those things. I keep saying to myself "I am stronger when I am weak." It is this biblical principal on which my life is built right now. That and also, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am sure of this one thing, that I am blessed with a tremedous grup of family and friends and an awesome God, and I will never be left alone. Finally I am where God wants me to be: I have nothing left to give. Even what I give to Him comes from Him. I am helpless, so His strength can be mine. I have not strenth, no plans, and no answers. He can now freely mold my life to His will. I am ready for God to move.

Taking a Leap of Faith

2007-02-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

God has been revealing a part of my heart lately that I didn't want to see. I have realized that in most cases I would rather not do something at all, then do it and make a mistake. I'm terrified of messing up. It's kind of like living my whole life believing in courtship...relationships will allways be future in my mind so I think I'll be terrified to begin one. It will take a lot of confirmation from the Lord on that one. The same goes for very simple things like swing dancing and other time commitments. If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether I can handle it, I might just decide not to do it at all. Why take the risk, right? But I can't live like that. That is not what walking in the Holy Spirit is like. To listen to and follow the voice of God we must be willing to act against our doubts. The question I am pondering now is this: how do we discern the difference between times when we must take a leap of faith, and times when we need to step back? I think that is why I am generally quiet, because it's safe. That way I'm less likely to say something I'll regret. But it happens anyway, and the Lord lets me make mistakes anyway. I have learned that no matter what choices we make, the Holy Spirit will continue to bring our sins to light to teach and shape us. I am so thankful for that! I struggle now with learning to abide in Him. It sounds simple enough, but it is a scarry thing for me. I've allways enjoyed making lists and I have found recently that my walk with Christ has been a long list of "how to live to honor Christ". God showed me last week that my primary focus should not be to honor Him, but to abide in Him. If I learn to ponder His glory, then He will transform me, and if I learn to abide in Him, I will learn to love like He does. It is not about my list, it's about my love relationship with Jesus. This idea has been received by me with enthusiasm, but I believe it will be a tough week learning to live it. I appreciate your prayers, my dear friends. Blessings in Christ!

It is Time

2007-02-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

The time has come for us to love as Jesus loves us. We are called and chosen to spread the knowledge of our lord to the ends of the earth. Why, then are we still here? Practicing maybe? Getting ready to go in wise preparation or just delaying the departure? I'm ready to go now. My German is not ready and I don't think that my hands are ready either, but my heart is ready. There is only one thing I wonder about...when? I know I am called to music, to Germany, to be married, to be persecuted, but only God sees the order, the time and place of each directed path of my life. How I wish I could see the big picture now! Tomorrow I go to class and I study, this weekend I go to a baseball game, in several weeks I'll have a recital, and in a year maybe I'll be a missionary or maybe I'll still be here, living as I live now. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want with all of my heart to love Him. Sometimes I doubt my ability to do even that. This I know: He will prepare me, He will show me when the time is right, and He will work through me because on my own I can do nothing. I wish only, my dear friends, that I was not so fatally flawed as to fail in following Him every day. How many times will I have to hear that it's not about me to realize it? Oh my Jesus, teach me to be a true Christ follower. This is life - to follow Christ. It is time.

Summary - it says what I have said

2007-02-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

Fatherless

2007-01-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

They left, the men who belonged to all of those frightened families
Gone, lost in the cold, bleak world that is war
Some came home, many died
Those families, left without men to guide and teach them
They became the fatherless

Again, weeping at night, the children cried out for what they had lost
Hope, taken away in darkness and night, never seen again
Brutality robbed them of the life they should have had
But there was a design to save them
Save the fatherless

There is one, from the beginning of time, who has been what they need
Arms, encircling those in need of a leader, a man, a friend
He is there now, beginning to penetrate
the Berlin Wall that is around thier hearts
Break down the wall to reach the fatherless

Hope comes to a dark nation in the form of a man
He brings life through his chosen ones, sent to love
Love goes out and reaches the fatherless
Rise up! Carry them out of the depths of darkness
and bring the fatherless home

I write this out of my heart for the nation of Germany. They have been torn and broken by war and rendered fatherless physically and spiritually. They are a lost nation whom God desires to rise up and make a powerful light. I am going to the fatherless.

2007-01-26T20:49:00.000-08:00

"Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand."
- Boede Thoene

At the beginning of the semester I wrote out a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I want to become a good "follow" in swing dancing, to take more violin students, to become the technical level of a profession orchestra musician, and many other things. But the most important thing is not the goals themselves, but the idea behind them. I desire to fight apathy with every ounce of my being. I have started by fighing those complaining ideas and thoughts that come with homework and the daily grind of school and replacing them with joyful thougts of how blessed I am that my buis day consists of playing, studying, teaching, and listening to music (with a bit of German spoken in between). I am walking in the Lord's plan and I am so blessed to have this calling! The thing that influenced this decision the most was the attitudes I noticed in my classmates last semester. Everyone was constantly tired and stressed and complaining, even about practicing thier instruments or playing in ensemble. How can this be, I asked, that they have chosen to devote thier life to the study and performance of music with no purpose?

I then began to ask, "What is my purpose in music?" The Lord answered that question for me last semester, which is a whole other story, but essentially He taught me to worship him and to pour myself out as an offering at every performance. This was taught, and continues to be learned, through my struggle with arm and wrist pain. Because I walk in a purpose to spread the Gospel and the Love of Christ through my gift of music, I have chosen to walk in an attitude of joy and love. It sounds easy, right? Oh, it is such a struggle! Every thought of negativity has to be fought, replaced and then discarded. But the Lord gives me strength and every day is a new challenge and blessing. The one thing that I have noticed besides my increased clarity in walking with the Holy Spirit is the joy I feel inside. I am content. I wish you could see me smile :)

2007-01-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

I realized something today. I was watching a movie and Colin Firth (of course) said "I like you...just as you are." Well, I lost it and haven't stopped crying since. I think that I've put up such a good mask that I can't even see what I'm feeling. Only today I told a friend that I'm doing great in my pursuit of singleness, enjoying my love relationship with Jesus. I am really content where I am and I have lots of plans for the future. I do want a husband, but I realize that I'm young and I can wait. But tonight I realized just how much my heart aches for someone to love me. I have an awesome father and so many friends and family who love me dearly, but they are not my promised one. There is a place in my heart that only the one God has set aside for me can fill and I'm still waiting for him. Waiting...It seems like such a passive word, but it is really a knife that cuts deep into the heart. Waiting means trusting, it means serving, and it means listening. It means being willing to sacrifice your own ideas and timeline for that of your omnicient Creator. So here I am...waiting. I don't know how long it will be, but I do know that my promised one is waiting too.
I am willing to wait

My heart is not at home...

2006-12-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

The more I learn about God and his character, the more I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Also, the more I realize that I will never be good enough. Time and time again I fail to say the right thing and to walk in the Lord's ways, but he is always there saying "I love you anyway."This week I have felt so blessed to perform Christmas music to encourage and uplift our community, but at the same time my heart has not been at rest. My mind is bombarded with busy thoughts that keep me from focusing on my Lord. Through this I have realised that my heart will only be at rest in him. It is so easy to forget!
To be a daughter of the King I must find my rest in him every day and learn to love others as I love him - with all of myself, sacrifically. It is too easy for us to love as the world loves. That is a love made only to satisfy self, but we are called to sacrifice ourselves in love and to serve those we love. I wish my heart could grasp this idea as well as my mind, but sometimes it is so hard to make the two connect. I pray every day that I would be totally satisfied in my Jesus, and that my life would be a reflection of my redemption. This is what has been on my heart lately. Tonight I go to worship him again with music celebrating the joy of the season. Merry Christmas to everyone!
Ruth

2006-12-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, I was tagged :)

Here are 25 things I want to do before I die. They are not necisarrily in order of importance, just as I think of them...

1. Perform as a soloist in Carnegie Hall
2. Live in New York City for a year
3. Move to Germany and impact the hearts of a fatherless nation
4. To be fluent in German instead of having to think so hard about it
5. To love a husband as Christ loves the Church
6. To be a mom with lots of little boys
7. To play the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto in E minor with an orchestra
8. To understand myself
9. Learn to bless people by being a graceful woman of God
10. See my dad cry at my wedding
11. Live in Israel
12. Read "City of God" and understand it completely
13. Adopt a child
14. Spend a summer hiking in Colorado
15. Lead many to Christ
16. Marry a man of God
17. Be concertmaster of the New York Philharmonic, Berlin Philharmonic, or Vienna Symphony
18. Watch a studio of young students grow to be wonderful musicians
19. Teach violin in Germany
20. Have a baby
21. Love God with a fullness and faithfulness I have not yet known
22. Become someone who is known as a Christ follower
23. Watch the four seasons change (you'll understand if you live in Texas where the first cold front hit yesterday, November 30)
24. Teach a son to be a leader who will change the world
25. Learn to live simply

There you go :)
I'm going to tag some I haven't heard from in a while:
Take Joy and Crossblade

A struggle for understanding

2006-11-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking Christ in order to find it."
- anonymous

I have made a choice to honor God. I fail miserably at this choice every day, yet in spite of my failure I choose to be a woman that reflects my redemption. I want to live out the knowledge that "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The one thing that is on my heart is to honor my Lord with all that I am. I am blessed that He put this desire in my heart, because it was missing for so long.

Today I read the story of the woman who annointed the feet of Jesus. She was so overcome by his grace in forgiving her sin and so strongy knew the depth of her sin that she could not stop weeping. So she washed his feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. This was a woman who knew the greatness of the mercy of her Lord. I want to be like that.

When I have experienced His abundant grace so recently and so often, I can't understand when someone just can't seem to grasp it. They see my simple faith as a religion that I am pushing others to believe and because of that I feel I push them away by simply being who I am. Can I remain completely silent about the one thing, this man, this God, who defines my life? My heart breaks for them because they don't understand and I feel like there is a huge gap between our lives as I serve my Lord with all that I am, and they live in the world. How do you develop a friendship when the common bond of Christ is missing? This is a question that has been left unanswered in my heart.

When God Moves

2006-11-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

This is the story of a recent answer to faithful prayers: (I changed the names for their privacy)

It was a lonely walk those first few months. My friend and I began to pray for our school and each week as we talked to people and shared what was on our hearts we became more discouaged that God was not moving. Every week we were there and every week no one else came. We finally accepted that, for now at least, it was in God’s plan for it to be just us. We took many steps of faith that semester. Katy stood in front of the orchestra and shared the testimony of God’s power on her mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. I prayed for a friend that God would heal her tendinitis. We saw no one come to Christ, and we saw no one healed. It was a lonely walk.

The more time we spent together the better Katy and I got to know each other. Each week we would share what God was doing on our hearts and pray for and encourage each other. Then we would finish our time by lifting up the music school. We prayed for friends, teachers, and recital halls and just invited the Holy Spirit to be there in our music. We asked that our practice would be worship as well as our performances and we prayed that God would put it on the hearts of the people in the music school to want to know Him and worship Him with their music. That semester we also took an orchestra trip to San Antonio. On the bus trips Katy and I got to talk to several people about the reality of spiritual warfare and the reality of God’s presence. Ben asked if we could say, without a doubt, that God exists. We had sat in His sweet presence only that morning and of course we told Ben yes, there is no room for doubt when He speaks to your heart. The semester came to a close and Katy and I said goodbye for the summer. God had used her to help me mature in Him and I was encouraged in my personal walk, but nothing in the music school had changed. It seemed we were the only ones who could see and everyone else was blind, even the believers.

When this semester began we invited everyone we could think of to come pray with us on Sunday nights. Two more were added to our number: Margaret and Sarah. Our prayer times have been a blessing. The first week of September I worked at family camp where I got to spend time with my best friend Courtney (real name, haha) and her new guy friend. We had so much fun together and I learned through both of their wisdom how to be content with where God has me. The taught me to walk in His peace. Two weeks later I went to a college retreat where we studied Colossians. I learned that my future was on the "throne" of my life. That my main focus was what would happen after I graduated and all the exciting things I could do. I thought about that most of the time, instead of renewing my mind in Christ. That week I learned that Jesus died for my sin. There was a sign above His head listing His crimes and on that sign was everything that I have ever done and ever will do. I finally felt the revelation in my heart. It was the first time my heart was ever broken because of my sin. It felt like my sin was finally a reality.

Next God taught me to live by faith. He taught me that I need to love others with all that I have, and only that can take the awkwardness and newness of friendships away, because then the focus is not on myself. About a month into the semester I began to feel tension and tingling in both of my arms and hands. I dealt with it like I would a sore muscle, just a part of life. After a week had gone by and the pain was getting worse, I started to be afraid. My friend Anna had just played for the first time after giving up the violin for a year because she inured her arms. It seemed there was a monster lurking in the music school and it had finally grabbed a hold of me. I wondered if I would lose the thing I held the most dear – my ability to play the violin. The week of October third I realized that everything God had taught me in rapid succession that semester had been leading up to the trial. He had spent countless hours preparing my heart for what was to come so that I would be ready to accept what He had to teach me. That same week I learned that life is a wilderness journey and that when God takes us into the wilderness it is so He can "hit our cup" and reveal what has been inside of us all along. The same time this was happening God called me to quit my job at Starbucks. I struggled with it for about a week and He confirmed it in so many ways. The main thing He said during that week was to trust Him for my financial provision. The day after I quit I got a check in the mail for four hundred dollars! This was from a scholarship that I had not received. That day I was so excited that I wanted to go to work and tell someone. I was tired though, so I started to go to bed, but God told me clearly that I needed to go to work. I went reluctantly and when I got there I met a friend who ended up praying for me and I also prayed for her. She told me "It’s really funny, but I was thinking about going to bed and I felt like God told me to come here tonight." God is so faithful!

About a week after I started having pain I saw a doctor and he asked me to take a break, so for the next two weeks I hardly played at all. That was the week I quit work. I came back from my break only recovered enough to make it day by day. The pain was still there, and with opera rehearsals for three hours at a time it only got worse. During those first two weeks I experienced such sweetness of God’s presence. After that, I was ready to play again so I decided I was finished with this character building. I told Him that was enough and that I wanted my arms back. "I’m not finished," He said. He revealed to my heart that I loved Him, but I did not trust Him. That was a hard thing to learn. The stress mounted as the concerto competition loomed nearer and I began to gradually practice more and more. My playing time was still significantly limited and I found that the more insignificant I became the more I accomplished for God’s glory. God showed me what a blessing it is to play the violin and how I need to thank Him for it every day.

A few weeks ago I played the first movement of my concerto (Mendelssohn violin concerto in E minor) in studio class and the main comment I got was that the musicality was not communicating. "I can see that you have this passion inside," one of my friends said, "but you're not letting it out." I realized that I was afraid to expose my heart to an audience and I had not been willing to really put myself into my performances. I saw that before Jesus could reveal himself through my music I had to open up and allow people to see my sinful, ugly heart. I need to reflect His image instead of perfecting my own. The last opera performance was last Sunday, the Sunday before the competition. That day my arms were hurting a lot and I began to cry as I asked God why he would allow this to continue when something so important approached.
The night of the competition I was waiting to warm up with my accompanist and I met Laura, another violinist also in the competition, in the hallway. We started to talk about stuff and she shared that she felt everything would be okay because God had given her a revelation last Saturday that she was to play unto the Lord. That same day she got a card in the mail that said, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord." We both went to warm up and while I played I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly that I almost cried. When I played my concerto in the preliminaries that Wednesday night, November 8, I felt so covered and protected. I was nervous, of course, but God kept speaking to me. Just little things that would help me stay focused, and the voice was so gentle and quiet. Before the end of the first movement I was sweating like crazy and I never sweat when I perform. I walked off the stage feeling like I had poured myself out as a drink offering. I could barely stand up and I was soaking with sweat. I have never put myself into a performance like that before. I realized about ten minutes later that there was no pain in my arms or hands. They were not tense at all. Until that night I had never played all three movements of my concerto without stopping because it hurt too much. God had not only annointed my music, he had healed my arms! The day before God had given me a verse to think about. Keeping in mind that my time of trial had been a wilderness, Isaiah 51:3 says, "Indeed, the Lord will comfort Zion. He will comfort all her waste places, and her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of a melody."

I found out later that night that Laura had experienced the same thing. She also was moved to tears while she was warming up with her pianist, and she felt God’s presence and heard His voice while she played in the competition. She kept telling me I had something special going on and I kept telling her it was all Jesus. I am so thankful He chose to let me be a part of this giant move of His spirit! We prayed that music would be worship, and he gave us the annointing of His Spirit. GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS. Saturday of the same week as the preliminaries, Laura played the final round. Katy and I sat in awe as she played the Sibelius violin concerto. There were tears streaming down our faces and sniffles from Katy as she tried to keep the contest judges from hearing her cry. We all thanked Jesus for his move in our music school. "Keep speaking to us," Laura said, "we’re still listening."

The Saturday of the final round of the competiton was yesterday. We started praying for these tings last January. It was a long, lonely journey, but we have met a faithful God who answeres prayer. I didn't make it to the final round, but I learned how to play for Jesus. Laura didn't win the competition (against 7 other musicians), but she learned how to play for Jesus. We are both very blesed. Four days later there is still no pain in my arms.

My survey:

2006-09-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Four Jobs I've had in my life:
1. Housekeeper
2. Babysitter (of course)
3. Accounts payable/file clerk
4. Starbucks barista

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Pride and Prejudice (new or old)
2. The Lord of the Rings
3. Anne of Green Gables
4. The Count of Monte Cristo

Four places I have lived (In Chronological Order):
1. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
2. Arlington, Texas
3. Waco, Texas
4. That’s all for now but the next one may be New York or Germany…

Four TV shows I love to watch
1. Monk
2. Psyche
3. Smallville
4. Mad About You

Four places I have been on vacation
1. Southern Germany
2. Israel
3. Colorado
4. New York City

Four of my favorite foods
1. New York Cheese Cake
2. Home cooked hamburgers
3. Mom’s strouganough (spelling?…aw who cares)
4. Pizza with black olives, onions and bell peppers

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. New York City…to just walk among the lights
2. Borger, Texas (in the middle of nowhere with my best friend)
3. Dallas, Texas (in the middle of somewhere with my other best friend)
4. On stage in Jones Hall performing the Mendelssohn violin concerto

Four things I always carry with me
1. My violin
2. My German dictionary
3. My drivers liscense
4. My love for Christ

Four friends that I think will respond (but I won't be surprised or offended if you don't):1. Eucharisto (already did)
2. …
3. …
4. …

Tag you're it! You are tagged. So here it goes... Copy and paste. . Delete myanswers, replace with your own and send it back to me and on to other friends!Foolish Knight's questions!

Four albums I could listen to until those darn cows come home:
1. Josh Groban, Closer
2. Nicole Nordeman, Brave
3. Il Divo (album name?)
4. World Mandate from Antioch Community Church

Four writers that have changed my life:
1. C. S. Lewis
2. Paul, because of the way he explaines our faith
3. Jeff and Danielle Myers
4. …still discovering…

Four dead people who are also my heroes
1. Paul
2. Rich Mullins (I love his spirit; you can catch it all throughout his music)
3. Dorothy Delay (an inspiring violin teacher and musician who taught at Juilliard)
I’m not sure…I think I’ll leave it at three for now

Four things I'd grab from a fire
1. My violin of course
2. My journal
3. My cat (because she’s really cute)
4. My Bible

Joel’s questions:

Four books I've read twice, or more: (ok there are not four, in fact there is only one, but I will tell you four that I would read twice had I the time and focus)
1. Pride and Prejudice (the only book I’ve ever read twice)
2. The Count of Monte Cristo
3. The City of God, by St. Augustine
4. A Tale of Two Cities, Dickens

Four Musicians I'd like to see Live:
1. Nicole Nordeman
2. Itzhak Perlman (I have seen him live twice, and will continue to as many times as I can)
3. The New York Philharmonic
4. Michael Buble

That’s it…and it involved a lot of thought so I hope you enjoyed reading it :)

2006-08-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

FINALITY - a word that has been eating at me. What does it really mean? Does it really exist? There is something in that word that makes me shiver, as if it speaks of no hope, the end of our second chances. I don't think it exists, except in one form: death. Wait, I am wrong. It does not exist in death, for death only gives the appearance of finality. In truth, death is the doorway to the very opposite of finalty: eternal life.

This week I have experienced grace again and again. Each day I make new mistakes, and I realize things about myself. I am still terrified to be walking in this new world, but I know that somewhere, somehow there lies a plan and a purpose for me. I feel so alone and empty, like I am one invisible person amongst the masses - "Lost in a sea of faces". My heart cries out, "will I ever be good enough, will I ever really make it in this harsh and competitive world." The only way to truly know is to trust. My savior has placed me here in the center of His will and I do totally trust Him. I think if I learn nothing else during this time there is one thing He wants me to grasp. I must draw near to him, nearer than I have ever been. This is the essence of life.

Distractions

2006-08-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

There's a feeling we all experience. A feeling of recognition, of understanding. We see something at the surface level, but after a while reality beigins to sink in and we really begin to understand. That is how I felt today. I did what was right today - I got enough sleep, I excercised, I ate good food, and I spent time with the Lord. I went to work ready to face the world because I had done what I needed to for myself. Then I saw my distraction. At first I took it in the normal stride of life, but I began to realize that it was a distraction from the Enemy. I remembered the feeling...I begin to get close to God, to get in touch with the Holy Spirit, then my distraction comes. It may be a different distraction depending on what season I'm in, but the Enemy never fails to send it my way right when I'm not expecting it: When I'm content. The good things is, God is always near. Today He reminded me that it was just that - a distraction. I turned and walked away, feeling a genuine happiness in knowing that the things we all struggle with are able to be overcome. Jesus gives us this power and when we tune our hearts to Him, we will never fail to be surprised. He had my back today, as always, and I am grateful. Once again, my distraction has come and gone, and once again I am a better person because of making the right decision and calling on help from above. Our temptations and distractions are never bigger than the power the Lord has given us to overcome them.

The Conflict in Israel

2006-07-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

A word from the Lord to Chuck Pierce on January 29, 2006

I heard the Lord say the following:

"In the midst of the summer at the hottest point you will begin to see the snow of Lebanon melt. Watch as Palestine and Syria form an ungodly alliance with Lebanon. For Lebanon is at the end of the fork of the road of change for the Middle East. Lebanon will become an issue that causes the Middle East to go one way or the other.
In the midst of the beauty and grandeur of this place I will begin to write a new script over how the nations will realign. Out of Lebanon a new wineskin will form and a new river will begin to rise. I will bring conflict into Lebanon because it is the boundary that I will deal with this year concerning My promised land of Israel.

The warlike tribes of Lebanon will once again arise. But in the end I will win this war, and the riches that have been withheld from My kingdom plan will be released. Watch and see for there is a new vision. For in the days ahead you will hear a cry arise from the deep affliction and mourning that comes out of Lebanon.

Out of the ancient city of Damascus, you will see a caravan arise. I, Ancient of Days, will create a conflict in Damascus. My power will be displayed to the world when I break the confederation of demonic hosts that are aligned against My covenant plan.Out of Damascus will come a new move of My Spirit. Many conversions and miracles will occur in the region that surrounds Damascus. Watch because I am realigning the nations of this region. I will send angelic forces to guard My plan. No matter how Syria arises against that plan at this time, I will have warring angelic forces that will counteract the plan of men that are aligned with evil forces to create havoc. Sing the songs of the Ancient of Days for it is those songs that will create the sound of victory over the lands of this region."

GOD GIVES US THESE WORDS IN THE BODY OF MESSIAH TO HELP US KNOW HOW TO PRAY AND TO DISCERN WHICH DIRECTION THE LORD WANTS TO MOVE. PRAY THAT AN OUTPOURING OF GOD'S SPIRIT WILL FALL UPON THE MUSLIM PEOPLE OF SYRIA. SINCE EVERY TRIBE AND TONGUE MUST BE REPRESENTED IN HEAVEN, GOD WANTS A GREAT REPRESENTATION FROM LEBANON AND SYRIA TOO.

I thought this was very interesting and exciting! It is so amazing to see God moving in the land of His people.

Saturday

2006-07-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice, slow day. I slept late because I closed last night, so I got off work at 1:00am. We had a good time, though! I got up at about 11:00am I think, then had breakfast. Dad and I went to Cingular to check about getting a new phone (since mine has been dropped a few too many times) and since I'm not up for a new contract yet, I'm going to get a Go-Phone and just put my SIM card in it. Who knew you could do that? It will work like nothing ever happened - no fees or anything and it's only about $30. I'm very excited about that!!

Tomorrow is the first day ...sorry, my thoughts were just interrupted. I was going to tell you about the musical I'm in, but there are so much more important things going on. Last night I was on a break and looking at the front page of the NY Times. I almost cried...probably would have if there weren't other people around. I was stunned today in TIME magazine to see a photo of a dead child. How can the photographer even take those photos? I can't even imagine the heartache that is happening in Israel and Lebannon right now. When I read about several children being killed by a missle in Nasareth I was heart broken. I remember walking through those streets two years ago, talking to an Arabic couple who run an orphanidge there. I remember touring the reconstructed "Nasareth Village" and God providing an interpreter for the French couple that was with us. My, how things have changed since then. I can't even imagine a missle landing in the streets in Jesus' home town!!!! Israel is such a special, amazing place and it is getting blown up. Not that this is the first time there has been a war there. It just seems so close to my heart now because I was there...it's almost like another home to me. I think there is something in all of our hearts that longs for the Holy Land and if you haven't discovered it yet, you will some day. Jerusalem is not the same as it was in the days of the Kings of Israel, but it is the same city, in the same location, and we still have the same, unchanging God - Yahweh. In the past few days the one phrase that repeats itself in my mind is the Shema: Hear O Israel, Yahweh is God, Yahweh alone. He will have His way in this conflict, even if we don't understand it. Lord, be with those in trouble now. Your will be done.

How you spend your time = who you become

2006-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've realized recently that the more I spend time with different people, the more I become like them. I learn things, lots of things. Some good, some bad, some just preferences, but either way I change all the time. I think that's the essence of who we are as human beings. The first people who influence you are your parents. They shape you in a way no other people can. Then you gradually begin to change, you start to challenge them and yourself to be different, to grow, and hopefully to allow God to mold you His way. But even if you've surrendered yourself to Him molding you there are still physical choices you have to make to stay in obedience to that. The biggest one is your choice of friends. If you want Him to change your heart and shape it to be like His you have to choose friends who are also seeking after Him. Thier hearts longing for the Spirit will draw yours to Christ also and you will be encouraged and uplifted, even on the worst of days. Like I was tonight...I had such a wonderful day yesterday but all my happiness couldn't get me through todays crisis. Yet, somehow, I was able to go to a crazy movie and just laugh witht two dear friends. Yes, when the movie ended my heart remembered my troubles, but the laughter has made me feel better and somehow the light has begun to creep back in.

Please pray for Dad because of his heart. We all need the Lord's wisdom right now. We also could use a lot of peace. I don't really want to put any more info up just because I don't like the internet, but you can call me if you want more details on how to pray. Thank you so much!

The seen and the unseen

2006-06-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

There are so many things in life that we can see, yet there is no clear definition for them. On the other hand, there are many unseen things that we as believers have no doubt about. I see it as a simple element of human nature, but kind of backwards. Usually we would like to put our trust in those things that we CAN see, but what if they are not reliable? I think this realization, the realization that we can't trust these visible objects, is what has brought us to our knees before an unseen God. As a believer I find it much easier to have "blind" faith than to seek out the issues. To some extent this complete trust is good, but it can also be taken too far. God gave us amazing minds that He intended for us to use to seek Him and study His words. It seems I am rambling, but I have just been thinking a lot about spiritual warfare. I had one specific instance in my life where I was very confused, but in a moment my dad identified my problem as an attack of the enemy and clarity immediately covered the situation. Problem solved! All I had to do was realize that I was warring not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. It is kind of an odd feeling to know that there are spiritual beings all around us, and not just there, but actively fighting a battle. We have a choice to either engage in this battle, or to ignore its existence. It is easy to forget this reality, but it seems that God never fails to remind us when we need to remember the most. Thank you for allowing me to sort out my thoughts. I hope you can make some sense of them :)

Life is Awesome because God is Awesome!

2006-05-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, life is good :) I was so ministered to in Church this morning! He really spoke to my heart, especially in beginning a healing process. I was hurt by a friend and it's been hard to let them go. My friend is and has been walking away from God and pursuing their own life, and that breaks my heart. But I know that I can trust Jesus to intercede for thier salvation and also to heal my own heart.

In the mean time, I am so excited about work! I have several dear friends who also have a heart to see people saved and healed and restored and I am very excited that we can all agree together for salvation and change in our store! Besides work there is not much going on. I have the freedom to spend time with friends now and I love it! I am off to work once again, so I hope you all have a wonderful day!

The End

2006-05-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in life when we realize that we have achieved a goal. For the past two years mine has been to graduate with my associates degree. Tonight I realized that the time is very close....only 5 days! Today I took my last final and tomorrow I have my exit recital. I am so excited! I have been dreaming the past few days about walking onto that stage in my gorgeous evening gown, my hair a pile of curls, and I confess not thinking enough about bringing light into the darkenss. Instead, I've been thinking of how beautiful I will be and how I will leave an impression. Yes, I know that everyone will say I'm wonderful, but what is important is that I give glory to the Father. He gave me this gift and he could take it away at any time. So tonight I repent of my selfishness and take a new step forward - a step toward freedom. When I walk onto that stage tomorrow night I will not shine because I look beautiful, I will shine because His light radiates from deep within my soul. I KNOW HIM! That's what I want everyone to see. There is a man named Jesus who loves me and I can express his glory through music. That is the impression that I want to leave and with that I say goodnight. I feel tonight that a huge burden has been lifted. I have hit a mark and now it's time to move on to the next goal, but in between - finally - there will be time to breathe. I didn't realize until just now how much I need that time.

"Be still and know that I am God..."

2006-04-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

The night was humid and dark, the sun had long since descended to its resting place. She took in a deep breath, then let it out as an audible sigh as she ascended the concrete stairs to the second floor. Emptiness, that is what she felt. Emptines pervaded by weariness. In a moment, she reached the top of the stars and opened the door. A stray thought entered her mind reminding her of all she was missing: time with friends, fun, or simply time alone in the quiet. With the opening of the door came a blend of notes all sounding at once. Music from a violin drifted from one direction, from another came the voice of a tenor. This was her lot, she knew, to practice until she got it right, until she was good enough. There it was again, the Enemy's open invitation, and once again he took it. "You'll never be good enough," he whispered. She agreed complacently, yet as she walked down the long hallway looking for an empty room something inide of her fought back. Somewhere in the depth of her soul she knew she could do it, she knew she could be better, but was she willing to make the sacrifice? Was she willing to lay down her life in service to the gift her Father had bestowed upon her. She knew that she had no choice, for her heart yeared to open the case and make music once again. Her heart quickened with anticipation as she tightened her bow and rubbed the hair gently against the glowing amber stone of rosin. She tenderly slid the shoulder rest in place and breathed yet another heavy sigh. This time it would be better, she knew, for that was the essence of practicing. With each moment, each hour spent the music became sweeter. As she lifted the violin to her shoulder it suddently became invisible, it's form drifting into hers to creat a oneness that can not be described, but surely can be felt. As her bow touched the strings and she began to recreate the harmony of Bach the oneness was heard by any and all wandering ears that happened to be nearby. This was her time, she knew. The darkness in her soul gradually began to fade as the light permeated her very being. She knew where the light came from. It was the same light that created the music, created her life. As her sound blended with the hundred others making music that night she began to know her purpose: to worship her creator with the fullness of her being and to bring light into a world of darkness. If the music could touch her soul surely she could give that gift to others. This was her purpose and she must fulfill it or her life would be like a score without the notes: empty.

Alive and well

2006-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am alive! I don't have much time so I'll just give you all a quick update.

I have a full scholarship to Baylor University starting this fall!!! God is so gracious!

I am 4 weeks away from finishing this semester and then I'll work full time through the summer.

Life is good and God is teaching me a lot!!

I'm getting really good at swing dancing :)

Chapter 12: The Last Supper

2006-03-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

How aweful I have been to neglect posting the final chapter of "Grace". I hope you have all enjoyed reading it, and I hope one day I will be inspired to write again. For now, here is the conclusion of Grace:

Grace again stepped through the door to Earth, but this time she felt a peace in her heart. She was not overwhelmed by the sin of the world or the pull of time, but she did feel those things and she also felt the need to quench them, as if she were a bucket of pure cool water to be poured over a parched land. She soon arrived at the doorstep of a lovely house in the suburbs of Chicago. Grace sighed deeply as she remembered the last time she had been in that house and she said a quick prayer before going inside. "Maker, Father, help me to show these people your grace and forgiveness in the same way you have shown it to me." She then reached up her hand and knocked on the door. The face of the woman who answered the door was creased in a tear-streaked smile. "Your back!" she said. "I am so glad you are ok" "You helped me in my time of need," replied Grace, "and now I am here to help you." "Come in, come in," said the woman between her joyful sobs. "My daughter is home, my baby is home. Come and celebrate with us!" When Grace stepped into the home she let out a cry of joy at the sight of a little girl, held tightly by her father, in the living room. It was the same child Grace had been sent to rescue in Chicago what seemed like so long ago. The girl sat up when she saw Grace and pointed saying, "Daddy, daddy! She’s my guardian angel. She is the angel I saw when I was lost!" "No," said Grace, kneeling down beside the child. "I don’t deserve to be called such. I saw you but I did not help you, and for that I deserve eternal death, but my father has given me something very special to share with you. He has given me the gift of eternal life, and you can have it too." With tears streaming down both of their faces, the parents knelt down beside Grace and said a prayer of thanks to their heavenly Father for the gift of their daughter’s safe return home. "Come," said the woman. "Let’s have communion." Together the four of them broke bread and shared wine, and as they did so they remembered the sacrifice of a man named Jesus who lived long ago. Jesus gave of his own body and blood so that they might have eternal life, and as they remembered his sacrifice they lifted their eyes to heaven and began to sing. "O come, let us adore him. O come, let us adore him. O come, let us adore him, Christ, the Lord." A tear slipped down Grace’s face, for she could not remember ever being so happy.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

When you first start to run...

2006-02-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, all this talk about love and "boys" has me thinking...actually, it's God who has me thinking. You see, he's been working in my heart lately. I aksed him to break my heart, and a few days after my heart was broken I realized that it was an aswer to prayer. Yesterday I told him I wanted to die for him, and tonight I began to die. Have you ever felt the most uncomfortable, aweful feeling, yet known that God was replacing your flesh with his Spirit? That's what it was like. I knew that I was dying and that it was good, but I have never felt more uncomfortable.
When we decide to follow Jesus, and I mean REALLY follow Jesus with every step we take, the devil hears about it and comes running. He throws things at us from every side until we feel we must be doing someting wrong to feel so aweful and...well, I usually think "I lost my happy feeling".

Thurday night I told God "I want to run with you, I want to war with you, and I want to die for you. Take me, I'm willing." I walked into opening night of my colleges musical (I'm in the orchestra) and the devil said "Look at that guy, isn't he cute?" after a couple hours, I went, "Hey, no way Satan, you will not distract me like that!" It was really awesome to recognize that the devil was trying to distract me. So then Friday night the musical was under stress - panick attacks and asthma attakcs among performers - and then on top of it I tripped on the stairs and scared the heck out of the guy I was walking with. So I began to pray. I prayed for peace and against fear and as I prayed I realized that my words have power. Only hours before I had said "I want to war with you, God" In that moment I realized he had answered my prayer yet again, I was warring with him, fighting in his army! So here I am after night three of the performance. All is well and I hope that the spirits of peace and worship reign in that theatre in place of fear, but all I can be sure of is the fact that God is working in me, and hopefully through me, and my life is changing. I am in one of those defining moments when I have to change the way I act or what I say or how I say things, and honestly it is very hard. But I trust my God, throughout the day he has touched my heart so many ways. This morning I was driving to work at 6:45am and the new song by Carrie Underwood came on the radio. All of a sudden I awoke from my thoughts and began to cry as she said "She threw up her hands and said "Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, I can't do it on my own, I'm letting go so give me one more chance. Jesus, take the wheel."

Memories from Isreal

2006-02-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

Here's a photo of "the gang" in Israel in June 2004. We are standing on the Mt. of Olives overlooking the East Gate of Jerusalem. From left: me(jamie), Sarah Owen, Katy Owen, Jeff Owen, Leah Wolf, Stephen Salstrand, Dillon Warnock. We had so much fun!

German review...

2006-02-06T15:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so about year and a half ago I was fluent in German, but now I am back to square one, and I need a place to practice. So here goes, I'm giving you a run down of the basics. Let me tell you about myself:

Hallo! Ich heise Jamie. I komme aus Pennsylvania, aber ich wohne in Waco, Texas. Mein Vater heist Ron und meine Mutter heist Janet. Ich habe eine Schwester und ihre name ist Hannah. Ich spiele Geige, und bin in die Baylor Symphony. Ich liebe Jesus Cristus, mein Herr. Jetzt gehe ich zu Universitat und studiere Musik. Jetzt ist es fuenf uhr dreizig und wir wollen supper gegessen. Aufwiedersehen!!

Wanna gues what I said? Have fun :-D

My heart

2006-02-05T19:55:00.000-08:00

If you really know me, you know that I have a huge heart for evangelism, so I thought I would post the lyrics to a song that has really ministered to me. The song is by Casting Crowns.

Fathere hear my prayer, I need the perfect words,

words that he will hear, and know thier straight from You

I don't know what to say, I only know it hurts,

to see my only friend slowly fade away

Maybe this time, I'll speak the words of life,

with Your fire in my eyes

but that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words

what am I so afraid of, here I go again

talkin' 'bout the rain, and mullin' over things,

that won't live past today

and as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend

this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him,

but here I go again

It is time

2006-01-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

It seems it is time for a list. Yes, I feel like posting a top ten list, but of what? Well, my dear reader, for that you will have to wait and see. Let's play a little game. See if you can match the numbers with their lists. I'll help you out by lettering the lists (A,B,C,D...there will be more than one number per list) Got it? The one with the most correct matches wins. Go!
A. Things I dream of
B. Things important in my future husband
C. These things are lots of fun!
D. Things I do in my quiet times
Here are your numbers. Remember to choose which list they match with:
1. To play in the New York Philharmonic
2. To seek after the heart of God (could this be a trick question?)
3. To be able to see the depth of a person's heart
4. To read a book written by Jane Austen
5. To be interested in the things I love
6. To ice skate
7. To live in Germany or Israel
8. To sit by the fire and think
9. To spend time with my best friend
10. To swing dance
I am ready and waiting to see how many you can get right! Answers will come soon, but not until you have at least tried. Have fun! :)

Swing dancing and being stood up...

2006-01-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

Somehow I always end up getting guys to committ to come to swing club, then they don't show up, so I get stuck dancing with guys I don't know who are either weird, scarry, intimidating, or very sweet (I do make a point to say there are quite a few of the last kind) . But there must be some kind of reasoning to explain why the guys I want to come don't (and never mention why). Is there some kind of guy radar that says "this girl wants me to come, so I better not". Well, I apologise for my rants. Just the experience of the night. I am still in the learning process of this "guy friend" thing. It's a lot of work! :)

Chapter Eleven: A Day of Great Rejoicing

2006-01-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

Grace settled in for her rest that night, and as angels do, she began to pray. She had not rested so fully for many months, and when she finished her prayer and the dawning sun began to seep in through her windows she felt refreshed. Her spirit was renewed not only from her prayer, but also because of the forgiveness of the Maker and the love of her friends. Grace got up from her knees, stretched, and began to prepare herself for the gathering. Just as she finished getting ready she heard a gentle knock at the door. She opened it to find her dear friend Rejoicing standing before her. "Come with me," said Grace’s friend with a broad smile on her face and excitement in her voice. "I want you to come worship with me." Grace took Rejoicing’s hand, excited to have a companion to accompany her to worship, and together they ran down the street, jumping for joy. There was a presence in the air that penetrated their hearts and they could feel a new song forming on their lips. When they reached the town square there was assembled a multitude of heavenly hosts, all glowing in their white gowns. Grace was wearing one too, although she couldn’t remember having put it on. She looked ahead and saw a shining light in the center of the great crowd. He wore a crown of gold and his eyes shone like fire. His sleeves were trimmed with glittering lace so white it was barely visible. He stood in his royal white robes that shone like the sun, facing the host of angels. The Maker’s face shone with a bright smile as he watching his beloved worshiping him. Some bowed, others kneeled, and others jumped and sang with joy. Some even remained still and silent in awe of His Grace. Yes, that is who she was: she was His Grace. In that moment Grace knew that she had a special purpose, and as she slipped out of the crowd she felt confident that the will of the Maker would be done through her. She would be used to bring healing because she was Grace, and she knew her purpose.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Annus slammed his fist against the table and shouted with indignation. "He has no right to her! Why does he always win? Why can I never succeed against him? I am supposed to have dominion over this earth, and I intend to claim my right!" As he finished his tirade, Annus began to pace the floor in anger. It was then, to his great surprise, that he heard a voice. The mere sound of it threw him to the floor, and he wept with fear as he lay face down. "I am the Lord, your God, Maker of heaven and earth. I have given your dominion to you, but I have dominion over you!" said the booming voice of the Maker. The sound of it was multiplied like the echo of an earth quake. He continued, "You will keep your power for now, but always remember that your day will come! I hold your life in my hands." Annus screeched at the pain of hearing the voice of the Maker, and he knew then that he had lost. Grace would never be his.

Chapter Ten: The Journey Home

2005-12-30T17:34:00.000-08:00

Grace jumped out of bed and ran to embrace Forgiveness. "I just want to go home," she said, "but I’m afraid to face Him." "I know," replied Forgiveness, "Repentance is a hard step to take, but you know it is the right choice. Come, take my hand." With that the two stepped out of the room and walked through the house to the front door. "Are you ready?" asked Forgiveness. With a whisper so quiet it could barely be heard, Grace gave her timid answer: "Yes". The companions stepped through the door that led to the heavenly realm, and entered the Maker’s kingdom.

As Grace and Forgiveness took their first step in the Maker’s kingdom, Grace fell to her knees and began to sob. "Oh, how good it feels to be free from flesh and sin," she said. Tears of joy, stained by a broken heart, streamed down her face. She felt a heaviness on herself that had never been present in that place before, and she knew then what she must do. "Thank you," she said to Forgiveness, "but I must finish this journey on my own. I will go to see the Maker now, and I must go alone." Forgiveness smiled an understanding smile and released Grace’s hand. She turned away and walked towards her home. Now standing alone, Grace was overwhelmed with her situation. She could not believe that she was finally home, yet it did not feel the same to her. She knew that she was burdened by her sin and that the only way to become truly free was to kneel at the Maker’s feet and beg for forgiveness. With those thoughts in her mind she began to walk down the familiar streets towards the Maker’s abode. She was terrified, but something inside of her was pushing her to do the right thing. She knew where her mistakes had lead her and now was the time to turn the other way and choose life. That was the force that drove her now, a strong desire within her heart to experience life and freedom. She concentrated on these things as she approached her destination.

All was quiet on the streets as Grace neared the Maker’s home. She walked up the sidewalk with fear and trembling, but a quiet assurance within her told her that she was making the right choice. Suddenly, she looked up to see the Maker with a broad smile on his face, running towards her with open arms. Before she could react he had caught her in a full embrace and swept her off her feet. He swung her around in the air as tears of joy streamed down his face and he repeated "My daughter was lost, but now she is found!" Still holding her in his arms, he walked up the sidewalk to his home and through the front door, placing her in her favorite purple linen chair in the living room. Grace leapt out of the chair to her knees and began to weep, her tears mingling with his as he reached down to embrace her once again. "Forgive me," she said, "Oh, can you ever forgive me?" "It is done," he said. With that he took her hand and lifted her to her feet. Now standing face to face the two embraced as father and daughter, master and servant. "But after all that I have done, how can you forgive me so quickly, without a thought?," she said. "I don’t remember what you have done. It has been cast to the depths of the ocean, to be remembered no more." Grace returned to her seat, and the Maker sat across from her. She felt the heaviness lift from her and her heart become truly free as she accepted the Maker's forgiveness. "I believe we have much to talk about," he said. "If you are ready, my child, I have an assignment for you." "But what if I fail again?" she said. "How can you trust me again so quickly?" He replied by saying, "It is not a matter of trusting you now. I love you with all my heart, and I want to give you a chance to earn my trust once again." "I will go wherever you ask me to," she said. "Unto the ends of the earth, I will serve you. Your words will be mine and your thoughts my thoughts." The Maker replied by saying, "Here is your task. You will be sent to the home of those gracious people who took you in not very long ago, the parents of the lost child you encountered in Chicago, and you will guard their home and protect them. You will be my vessel to bring healing to their family and hope to their hearts. This is the task I give to you." Grace was overwhelmed with the Maker’s acceptance and love, and when he finished speaking she again fell to her knees at his feet. "It will be done, my king. My heart is forever bound to yours, and what you desire, I will do." They stood and embraced once more, and Grace left the Maker’s abode to return to her own home after a very long journey.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

The Heavenly Man

2005-12-27T20:03:00.000-08:00

"I am a heavenly man! I live in Gospel village! People call me Morning Star! My father's name is Abundant Blessing! My mother's name is Faith, Hope, Love!" This is what Christian brother Yun shouted as he was arrested in Communist China. He feigned insanity, shouting at the top of his voice so that he might warn the other believers nearby of the danger at hand. Soon after the incident he was taken to prisen. After faithfully fasting for over 50 days, being repeatedly shocked by high voltage, beaten, and humiliated, Yun was still very much alive in his spirit. His body, however, was reduced to under 70 pounds. During his fast he didn't even drink water.
This is the kind of faith that changes lives. This man lived in China when Christianity was a crime and mercy was only received by renouncing Jesus. Our dear brother refused to do so, and he suffered greatly for it. I am amazed at his words. After riding for miles in a van with his wrists handcuffed to a bar on the roof, his wrists were dripping blood, seared so that the bone was showing. After asking God to receive his spirit and being so overwhelmed with pain and fear that he could hardly breathe, this is what he said: "In my proud heart I had been thinking that I was important to the church, that they needed me to lead them. Now, I vividly understood that he is God and I am but a feeble man. I realized that God didn't need me at all, and that if he ever chose to use me again it would be nothing more than a great priviledge. Suddenly the fear and pain left me." Can you believe his faith!!! I want that faith, I want a heart like that!
The story of Christian brother Yun can be found in a book called THE HEAVENLY MAN. You should read it - it's changing my life.

The third time was most definately the charm!

2005-12-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

I saw Pride & Prejudice for the 3rd time last night and it was better than both of the other times I had seen it. The audience was very interactive, laughing and sighing, and it was so enjoyable to hear the others around me enjoying the movie. I do have to admit, though, that it was less the great literature that excited me and more the romantic theme :) A girl can get herself in trouble allowing too many thoughts of romance. My friends and I returned home in high spirits, yet knowing that we would have to come to terms with the fact that our Mr. Darcy would not make himself known for years to come. I suppose that is the exciting part of being single, learning to love life even while you know that something amazing, your ver own Mr. Darcy, waits for you just around the corner.
I apologise to the guys reading this, knowing that your perspective is quite different. I would like to know what you are thinking about during a movie like this. I think you know that the girls are swooning (well, maybe not all of the girls - I certainly wasn't) or at least dreaming of marriage. So what do you think about during a romantic comedy? What you had for dinnner? How well the acting is? I could use some feedback here.

Pride and Prejudice

2005-12-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

I saw Pride and Prejudice for the second time today and it was just as good. I am planning on seeing it again Thursday with a different friend. I love it so much, I think I might have to read the book again sometime soon! Hope you are all enjoying your holidays. If you want to read a fun story you can see it here. Good night!
- Ruth

What a time we had!

2005-12-18T12:58:00.000-08:00

We are back from Mexico as of last night, and what a time we had! I'm sure you don't need a play by play, so I'll just give you the short(er) version :)

We arrived in Mexico City late Saturday afternoon, went through a several hour process of trying to find our luggage, which they had taken off the plane in Dallas because of excess weight. We finally left with one bag, the rest still in America. We took a 3 hour buss ride from Mexico City to Puebla. It would normally take only 2 hours, but the celebration of the virgin of guadalupe was in progress and millions of pilgrims were walking to Mexico City as pennance (a very sad sight to see) Entire families carrying paintings or statues of the virgin walking 60-80 miles over a mountain pass in order to work thier way to Heaven.
Our week began with a spanish church service at the church of the orphanidge we were working at (they provided us with a translator). We ate out after church, which was a big mistake resulting in a very unpleasant day Monday. I couldn't even hold down water (it was not fun!). So we were pretty much better by Tuesday and we spent the next three days watching four young children who were not old enough to go to school. I taught several violin lessons, and we also helped supervise the kids (over 80 of them from age 14 months to 20 years) while the staff had a retreat on Thursday. Friday we traveled downtown and went to the town market. I say town, but actually it was a city of about 3 million people. We returned home last night having received 2 suitcases on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday, and the final one when we arrived at the airport to return home. We are alive and well, and I have never appreciated water pressure or a good sewer system more! I thank God for all the experiences, good and bad, that He gave us and I am excited to say I am experiencing a heart change because of all the eye-opening things I saw. If you want to find out about the orphanidge or sponsor a child I'd love for you to visit thier web site at www.thecityofhope.org. God bless!

Here we go!

2005-12-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

My family and I leave tomorrow morning for Puebla, Mexico. Hope to tell you lots about it when we get back!

Bloggs to Visit...check these out!

2005-12-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, here is my top ten list of blogs to visit, though I don't think there are actually ten. Give me some feedback and let me know what you think (hey, that was redundant, wasn't it? I think I just repeated myself) :-D
1. www.eucharisto.blogspot.com
2. www.myspace.com/joelclarkson
3. www.what-comes-next.blogspot.com
4. www.takejoy.blogspot.com
5. www.gracestjohncross.blogspot.com

Ok, I guess it was a top five list. Well, that should keep you buisy for a while ( a few hours, at least, if you really read like you're supposed to!)

That Christmas Morning Feeling...

2005-12-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

I woke up today feeling like it was Christmas Morning. You know, that happy feeling you have inside knowing that you will jump out from under your covers to freezing cold air, you will drink hot chocolate or tea, and then you will read a book or sit by the fire. That is not what is on my calendar for today, but simply being able to enjoy an afternoon studying at Starbucks is enough to give me that "Christmas morning feeling". I played my piano jury this morning, and now I am off to Starbucks to study for my music theory final, which is in the morning. I will play a 4th and final Christmas concert tommorrow night, as I acompany the Temple High School Choir, along with about 50 other hired orchestra members. I have sung and played and listened to so much Christmas music that I feel Christmas should be over by now, but it is just starting! Friday will mark the completion of my semester as I watch my three students perform thier own concert, then my family will leave the next day for Puebla, Mexico to work with orphaned children for a week. Maybe my Christmas joy for today is simply a prelude for what is to come - many more happy days by the fire enjoying the Christmas Season. I wish you all an early Merry Christmas!

Pride and Prejudice

2005-11-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

I saw the new movie "Pride and Prejudice" tonight and it far exceeded my expectations. The plot was very congruent and it did not seem at all like they had left things out, although they obviousy had to. The original movie was six hours long, and since this one was only two and a half hours I expected a big difference in quality. I was pleasantly surprised to find only a few changes. All the "important" events were in the movie and only a few things, such as the location of a scene or the particular way something happened, were changed. The acting was wonderful and the story, which was, of course, written by Jane Austin, was extraurdinary. I remember reading the book a few years ago and instantly falling in love with the characters. It is definately a book on my top ten list.
In conclusion, I recommend that everyone see the movie, but if you haven't read the book definately do that first. There is something special about being able to create the pictures in your mind before having seen someone else's idea of the story. Once you let those other ideas into your mind you can never objectively create your own.

Chapter Nine: A Power Overthrown

2005-11-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

Grace pondered what her friends had said to her as she lay in bed in that foreign place, and as she tossed and turned she began to be aware of a battle raging within her. For the first time she actually looked at herself in the mirror, and she was terrified by what she saw. Her human form was moderately short, about 5 feet, 3 inches tall, and her appearance was totally discheveled. Her shoulder leingth brown hair was uncombed and there were dark circles under her eyes. As she looked at her reflection, she noticed something in the background, somewhat of a shadow. She whirled around to find Doubt sitting on the bed behind her. "Do you really believe you can be saved?" he whispered. Letting out a hiss, he arose and came towards her. "The words of your so-called friends have all been lies. You have come to far, and you must never look back." With those words, Doubt disappeared, leaving Grace alone. Shaken, she returned to her reflection in the mirror and was discouraged to find a gray hugh about herself. With frustration she returned to bed and her dreary thoughts. But despite the words of doubt, within those throughts, a ray of hope began to shine. For days she thought and, yes, even prayed about what she knew in her heart to be true. She wanted to change, and the influence that the creatures of darkness had over her had been weakend by her newfound faith. After struggling with doubt for a week, she was ready to call out to her friends for help.

The creatures of light converged on the Maker’s abode once again, for the second and final council to be called on behalf of Grace was about to begin. Wonder and awe filled the hearts of these creatures as they watched their loving Maker in his attempts to bring Grace home. Was there nothing he would not do to save one of his own? The Maker began to speak, and a respectful hush fell as he did so. "I called you here today to share with you the truths of this battle we have been fighting. As the close friends of Grace, I ask you to continue to pray for her safety and for her repentence. A victory has been won in her heart and your friends, Faith, Hope, and Love, have triumphed over the Enemy." With that, He bowed his head, and those watching him might have seen a small tear slip from his eye. His love for Grace was evident, and as his servants watched him weep for her, they knew that their prayers were needed and would be received. After several moments of silence, the Maker raised his head and began to speak again. "It is time for Forgiveness to go to Earth," he said. Forgiveness, in her peacefully glowing light, came forward at His words. "My darling, my love goes with you. Speak to your friend with compassion and bring her home to us safely." To the group, he said, "thank you for coming. You may return to your homes." With the conclusion of the meeting, Forgiveness traveled to the great door and stepped through to earth, where her other three companions were waiting for her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grace awoke the first morning of the following week with the knowledge of a presence in the room. She sensed a calm that she hand not felt in a very long time, and she finally felt that she was ready to accept the help of her companions. She opened her eyes to find Love sitting on the bed beside her, and for the first time in a long time Love’s light was not blinding. The acceptance in the eyes of Love was so encouraging, and Grace made a choice in that moment that she was through with her rebellion, she was done following Insecurty, walking with Self Denial, and allowing Fear to controll her heart. Suddenly, she sat up in bed and embraced Love with all of her heart. Tears began streaming down her face as she renounced all of her deceivers and accepted Love as her friend once again. In the heavenly realms, Fear let out a scream as he felt his power slip away. He was once again reduced to a lowly creature of darkness, not good enough to kiss the feet of his master. "I’m so sorry," sobbed Grace. "Will you ever forgive me?" Love accepted her pleas with a ready and willing heart, but she knew she must speak once again before letting go. "I have forgiven you, but there is another who greater deserves your repentecne. Let us go to Him now." "Oh, I’m so afraid of Him," cried Grace. "Yes," said Love softly, "but in your heart you know Him well, and you know that He still loves you. Choose to believe the truth, and it will really and truly set you free." Love then released her friend from their embrace and stood to go. Panick struck Grace as she saw her friend leaving, but she was reassured by the sight of her dearest friend of all, Forgiveness, entering the room.

Chapter Eight: Grace's New "Home"

2005-11-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

Grace awoke and found herself in a bed with soft covers and lush, feather-filled pillows. It took her a few moments to remember why she was there, and when she finally recalled her circumstances she let out an agitated sigh. "What have I done?" she thought. "I have brought myself to the utmost destruction, and now I must somehow explain to these people why I am here." At that moment the woman that Grace had seen earlier that morning walked into the room. Her long brown hair was pulled up into a messy knot and she wore a pair of jeans and a red cardigan over a white t-shirt. The expression on her face was kind, yet concerned. As she approached, Grace's mind began to race. "What will I tell her?" she thought. At that moment she heard a man’s voice calling, "Christine, could you come here for a minute?" The woman smiled apologetically, then quickly left the room, promising to return shortly. It was then that Grace saw for the first time that one of her kind was standing in the corner of the room. Faith stepped out of the shadows and within an instant was seated on the bed beside Grace. "You still have a chance," she whispered tearfully. Grace knew of what she spoke, and the only reply she could muster was the loss of a tear, not merely from her eye, but from the depths of her heart. "I want to change so badly," she said. "Can you help me to hold on? Can life ever be the same again?" Faith reached out and took Grace’s hand. "In our Father’s house there are many mansions. You have seen them, lived in them. Can you yet deny the truth? Let go of your hate and bitterness. Believe that you have been made worthy in the Father’s eyes and you will be set free." Grace closed her eyes, trying to stem the flow of tears. "How can I change what I have done? How can I make it better?" she said. When she opened her eyes she saw yet another of her kind. Love stood there, her blinding light once again too beautiful to look at. "What is it that is holding you back?" she asked. Grace knew immediately that it was fear. Sensing her answer, Love replied with the words of the Maker, spoken long ago. "Perfect love casts out all fear," she said. "Embrace my friendship and fear will have no power over you." With that, the two were gone, leaving Grace to ponder their words. Back at Annus’ headquarters there was a small earthquake. Grace’s heart had been softened and the realms of darkness were shaking. Fear shook as well. He knew his power had been weakened, and for once he was afraid.

Life Continues

2005-11-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am alive. Although I have been quite distant from the world of blogdom for a long time now, my life has continued in its normality. Except that it has been normality times ten, if you know what I mean. Each time I begin to sit down and reach for a book or close my eyes my mind reminds me of another essay that needs to be written for a scholarship application or a measure in my piece that is not up to standard for the performance yet. Sometimes my body is crying out for rest, and all I want to do is to sleep. But most of the time I forget my tiredness and just trudge on through the day. My biggest struggle is to find adventure, and to renew the love of life that is so important.
My latest challenge has been "abiding", and by that I mean walking hand in hand with my Creator, listening at every second, always willing to do what He asks. I want this to become a reality in my life, so I am beginning now. I can tell it will be a long process :) I struggle with reaching out of myself and seeing the hurt or joy in another's eyes. My prayer lately has been "Father, break my heart for the lost." I want to live to serve, that has always been in my heart, but my flesh continuously tells me that serving myself is all that is important. I believe that life is a constant battle to silence that voice and listen to the Voice of Truth that speaks life and says "Care about them because I do, love them becuase I do, serve them because I do, be willing to die for them, because I did." That is what I want my life to be, a combination of those desires. In summary, one big adventure of walking daily with Christ, serving others, and learning to love a love that does not come from myself.
I love what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed: we are perplexed, but not in despair: persecuted, but not forsaken: struck down, but not destroyed" This is what gives my heart a spark of adventure - the idea of living a life totally sold out for Jesus, laying down our lives, being persecuted yet standing firm. That is what makes me excited about life. I love to witness, I love to challenge people with Truth, and I love to walk in the will of Christ and see prayers answered.
My life right now is a journey of faith. I am always learning and changing, and I am excited to allow Christ to work in me to become the woman of faith that He wants me to be. Thank you Lord that you are powerful enough to change my heart, even my heart.

Today is the day of salvation

2005-10-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you care about someone so much, yet they don't understand this kind of love? When someone is searching for life, and that Life lives inside of you, yet they look right past you? How do live, honoring God and loving life, yet fearing for the life of this person who needs Him so desperately? They are in a time of deep searching, and they know that they are missing something, but what if they come up empty, believing that there is no hope? Oh, Lord, we can only pray. Pray for their salvation, pray for hope, pray for life, and most importantly, never give up, because today is the day of salvation! I look forward to the coming days with anticipation, waiting to see when my friend will come to know You, Lord. Every day is "today", so it may be years, but I pray that you will draw near to him as he searches. If the Lord moves your heart, those of you reading this, please pray with me also, so that another brother might be added to the fold. Amen.

Daddy's Dance

2005-10-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a night to be remembered forever. It was the first annual Father-Daughter Tea and Ball. I went with my sister and my dad and we shared a special dinner together. We watched as several father-daughter teams shared a song, or a special thought, and then we danced for hours. My sister taught Dad and I to dance only two nights ago, so we pretended to know what we were doing as we tried our new swing steps. The joy in my heart as I realized how blessed I am to have a daddy that cares, that spends time with me and loves me with all his heart, was indescribable. I haven't felt that joy since my best friend's wedding last December. We all had a very special time together, and I thank God for such a special family that he has blessed me with.
Just as a side note, I discovered that Baylor University has a swing dance society and they dance every Tuesday and Thursday night. My sister and I went last thursday and it was so much fun! All the guys made sure we got to dance, and they didn't care that we didn't know how. "Just follow me," they said, and we took off in a whirl of fast footwork and twirls. If you haven't tried swing dancing, definately do so! It will enrich your life :)

My Song

2005-10-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

You choose this life,
to live as one,
walking in the present,
forgetting the past, and what He has done

Long ago, before your life began
He chose the cross so you might live
He died a death unknown to man,
holding the weight of the world,
with the nails in his hands.

You choose to walk away,
rejecting His love,
You live a life of pride, and insecurity,
but your heart cries out, for the emptiness inside,
is something you can feel deeply.

Long ago, before your life began
He chose the cross so you might live
He died a death unknown to man,
holding your empty heart,
with the nails in His hands.

He holds out those pierced hands,
reaching towards you, calling you
you can choose to listen, or you can walk away again,
but he love will follow you...because...

Long ago, before your life began
He chose the cross so you might live
He died a death unknown to man,
Loving you, giving His life for yours,
with the nails in his hands.

The Judgement Seat of Christ

2005-10-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'd like to retell a story that was told during college church last Wednesday night. An author named Richard Howard was going through a time of searching, and at the end three full days of searching God's word and praying he fell asleep, exhausted. He dreamed a powerful vision that has changed my perspective on eternity. This is what he saw.

Richard Howard was in Heaven, standing in the throne room of Jesus. He saw great masses of people, just as it says in Revalation 20:11-13, "Then I saw a great white throne and him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to thier works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works." Richard stood in that throne room, facing the Jesus of Revalation, who was glowing brightly and had fire in his eyes. He heard two sounds: a massive praise greater than the largest sporting event. This praise resonated through the heavens. The second sound was a great wailing, a sound that Richard tought he would only hear in Hell, but he was in Heaven. These were God's children wailing.

Next, Richard saw a lady from his childhood. This lady had long since passed away, but when Richard was growing up she would alwasy come up to him in church and say "I'm praying for you Ricky, God has a great purpose for your life." She had been the one to eventually lead him to The Lord. In front of her was a pile of wood, hay and straw. The Lord Jesus held a flaming torch in his hand. He approached her, called her by her full name, and dropped the torch on her pile. As it burned it revealed a massive pile of precious jewels. She began throwing them at the feet of Jesus, praising Him with all her being.

Richard's attention was now drawn to one of his college buddies. This man had been a powerful prayer partnerer and dear friend, and had felt God's calling on himself to be a pastor and a missionary in Africa. He had fallen in love with a beautiful Christian woman, but when he proposed to her, she made him promise to give up the mission field, or she would not marry him. He did. The Lord approached him, called him by his full name, and dropped the torch on his pile of wood, hay and straw. When it finished burning, there was left a charred circle on empty ground. Richard's friend began to wail and cry with deep pain evident on his face.

Next, Jesus approached Richard. "Richard Howard," he said, and he dropped the torch. At that moment, Richard woke up.

Put yourself in this vision, and imagine Jesus walking up to you with his flaming torch. He dropps it on your pile of wood, hay, and straw. As the pile burns the materials with which you have built your life are revealed. Are you weeping or praising?

1 Corinthians 3: 9-15 says, "For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, you are God's building. According to the grace of God which was given to me, as a wise master builder I have laid the foundation, and another builds on it. But let each one take heed how he builds on it. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one's work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is. If anyone's work which he as built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire."
Can you imagine yourself entering heaven scorched, slightly burned, and with a charred pile of nothingness. All you have built your life on is gone, because it was not of God. I definately don't want this to happen to me! I hope this ministered to you as it did to me. Let this truth remind you to build your life up with things of God, walking in the works that He has preordained for you to do, instead of following after the world. I pray that we will all have the grace and perseverance to walk with Him.

Has it been four years?

2005-09-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2001: once again, "a date that will live in infamy." What does that mean? It means we will never forget. I can still vividly remember that day. Still in high school and home schooled, I was beginning my work when mom called us to the living room to watch the news. There was a plane crash, she said. No one knew what was going on. At the age of 14 I had no comprehension of the phrases they were using. Sure, I knew what terrorist were, but a terrorist attack in America? Don't those kinds of things happen in Israel? I watched the first tower burn, the images of the plane flying into it being played over and over again. It went off course, I thought. Some people will die, but this will end and everything will be explained. I went back to my school work. Minutes later I was called back to the television with the crash of the second plane into the other World Trade Center tower. I began to doubt my assertion that this was definately not a terrorist attack. But even if it was, what did that mean? Mom said the word "war". Even then, I had no comprehension. I had never been through a war; I barely remember the election of President Bush. You must remember that age when everything is just beginning to come into perspective. As events happen you develop a gradually more clear vision of politics and world affairs. The picture was still blurry for me.
Reality struck when I was called up stairs for a third time, this time to watch the first tower collapse to the ground. As I watched images of a giant dust cloud flowing through the streets of New York my only emotion was disbelief. This isn't really happening. Then the second tower fell. I didn't know what to do. Mom said I still had to go to my dentist appointment, so I walked in to the office in a daze. Everyone was talking about New York, all televisions were tuned in to the news. I let the hygenist check my braces, feeling stupid for caring when so many people were dying. When I returned home more events were added to the list of tragedies: a plane flying into the Pentagon, the crash of Flight 93 in Pennsylvania, the evacuation of the White House. As I watched our president make his famous speech condemning terrorism I wondered if we would go to war. Little did I know that by this fourth anniversary of that terrible day, thousands more would be dead. Now I am 18. I know what the word "terrorism" means. I can smell it. I can see the images of Saddam Hussein in his hole and the videos of kidnapped innocents in Afghanistan, later unmercifully beheaded. Should we have gone to war? That is a question that I can't answer, but I can tell you the last words of my opening argument in our high school debate. Held several weeks after the war had begun, we debated whether or not to go to war. These were my words: Bush says "'we will be weakend if we wait". God says, "They that wait upon the Lord will renew thier strength." You can't argue with The Truth.

The Story Behind the Ache

2005-09-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

As told to me by my best friend, Jesus:

All women are born with an ache in their hearts for a companion. It begins when we are small and constantly desperate to climb into our fathers’s arms. As we grow into teenagers it materializes in the form of the common "dating game". We wonder if a certain someone "likes us", and we spend countless hours dreaming about the one we "like". But as we mature into young women and approach a marriageable age we start to experience this ache in a different way. Instead of needing to have someone in our thoughts, we are desperate for a lifelong companion. As we struggle to follow the Wisdom of the Spirit in knowing that we are not yet ready to marry, our hearts struggle to find a blance of waiting for our dream to be fulfilled when we have such a desperate need for fulfillment right now. Why, we ask, would our father in heaven give us this desperate ache in our hearts now when we know it can’t be fulfilled for several years to come? Some might say it is for us to learn patience, but the true meaning of it is this: we are living the purpose of the existence of our world. Let me elaborate. When we feel this ache in our hearts it is painful enough that we begin to wonder, Lord, have you felt this before? Do you know what I’m feeling? He replies by reminding us of the story of creation. God created us because he was eternally alone. He wanted and needed a companion, so he created man. But better than His creation of man was His design for our lives to be such an exact image of His that He also created woman. And in woman God put a tender heart with a desperate need for a mate. He put that desire in man too, perhaps not so strongly. So how does this all come together? Here is the truth. This ache in our hearts, girls, it not about us! God gave us this ache "before we were ready" because He wanted to remind us that this ache is why the earth was created! He felt this ache first and so much more stronly than we ever will. His heart ached, so He created a companion for Himself in the Church, His bride! We were given a small piece of Him in our hearts to remind us that He longs for us every day. You are His bride, and He wants you to remember that!

Chapter Seven: When All Is Lost

2005-08-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Self Denial was very pleased with himself for his accomplishment on earth, and he knew that Annus would be pleased with him. When he walked into the chamber he saw his leader, standing in the dark room alone. To his surprise, Annus was speaking. "I thought I had beaten you when Eve persuaded Adam to eat the fruit, but in the end it was all a part of your plan," he whispered. "Then I thought I had beaten you when I persuaded kings of Israel to turn against you, but it was all a part of your plan. I tried to kill your people, but you chose Esther to save them. I tried to kill your Son, but you raised Him. This time, I will succeed. I will steal your servant from you, and you will never get her back." As Annus spoke his voice rose in pitch and soon he was yelling. Self Denial cowered in fear and inadvertently let out a sound. Annus turned and saw him there, and quickly recovered himself to ask of news.

"Master, I have handed Grace over to Pride. His is following her like a shadow and I know that she will give in. She is so weak," said Self Denial. Annus let out a haughty laugh and slapped his "good servant" on the back with approval. Self Denial winced at the pain, but tried not to show it. Just then Pride came running in, squealing like a beaten dog. "I have seen light!" he screamed. "The Master has sent messengers to Grace, and they shine with His power." "You fool!" yelled Annus. "You must never run from the light!" but he was pacing, obviously shaken. "What can we do?" said Pride, still cowering in fear. "Get away from me," shouted Annus. "Go back where you belong! I have given you a job do. It would be better for you to die than to fail. If you fail I will kill you myself." But Pride, who was more fearful of light than of Annus, did not move. Annus was fearful himself, and so decided to change his mind. "We will call a council," he said. "Summon everyone."

Within an hour all the creatures of darkness had gathered. Despite the whispers that filled the auditorium there was an aura of fear and stillness. Loneliness, the one chosen to lead this mission, stood to speak. "My brothers, the Maker has chosen to fight us." Silence reigned. "We will send a new and stronger warrior to combat these forces of light. I call upon Doubt for our next mission." With that one of the most powerful creatures in heaven or on earth stood. The creatures of darkness turned their heads as one to see him as he walked toward Loneliness. Doubt was not at all like Loneliness. He had no flowing black cape or sinister expression. Instead, he was as transparent as a shadow, with a walk like that of a person creeping on all fours, with hands not quite touching the ground. Pride, fearful as he was, was summoned to go with him. Annus’ followers were not allowed to come home without completing their mission. If Pride returned again it would mean certain death. If he failed with Grace it would mean certain death. He had no choice.

As Grace walked through the housing development in Chicago she was thinking of her choices. Suddenly, she looked up to see a woman standing there before her. It was early morning and the woman was retrieving her newspaper. The woman looked up and spoke. "Can I help you?" she asked. Grace started to answer, but then remembered that she could not be seen. She turned to see who the woman was talking to, but there was no one. Nervously Grace stuttered, "D-do you live here?" The woman looked confused. "Of course I do," she said, still in her bathrobe and slippers. The woman was like no human Grace had ever seen. She had long brown hair and gorgeous green eyes, and her slender figure could be seen even with her bathrobe on. Grace had never seen such a magnificent work of art. "He really is an artist," she thought of the Maker. She quickly snapped herself out of her reverie and looked down at her hand. She herself was now in a human body. She gasped as she saw the fingers and toes and hair of a human. Grace felt more constricted with every minute, and as she felt the flesh tightening around her she cried out. "Help me!" she said. "I’m trapped!" The startled woman ran back into her house and called her husband. "This girl needs help," she said. Grace let out one more cry of pain, then fell to the ground unconscious. She would soon begin to see the consequences of her choices at a whole new level.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Friendship

2005-08-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

Friendship is life. It is the air I breathe and the water I drink. Friends are the people in your life that get you through the tough times and laugh with you when you are acting crazy together. They've got your back and you've got thiers. Friendship is reliable, trustworty, and honorable. It makes you want to lay down your life for a person's smallest need and step up with courage to the mightiest challenge. Friendship is life, and that is what it means to me.

Carnegie Hall

2005-08-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

If you are a musician then you understand the dream of performing in Carnegie Hall. As a classical musician I have always known that if you make it to Carnegie Hall, you've made it to the top. This is a dream that never dies, no matter how impossible it may seem and no matter how wonderful and talented you must be to perform there, hope will always remain. When I visited New York City in May I had the opportunity to go to Carnegie Hall, and while looking around the lobby I discovered that there was a concert that Sunday (it was Friday) that I could go to. I bought tickets and made arrangements for my Aunt to take me there, but I don't think the reality really set in. The day of the concert, as I walked into the lobby and handed my ticket to the usher, I realized "I'm going to a concert in Carnegie Hall!" I was so ecstatic and so overjoyed, but those feelings were nothing compared to what I felt when I walked through the doorway and into the concert hall. I held back my tears as I thought "I am standing in Carnegie Hall. How many others have dreamed of being here, and I finally made it! I may not be on stage yet, but I am three feet away and even that is a dream come true." I was so blessed to have this opportunity and I thank God for the encouragement He brought later in the week as I was given a chance to meet the concert master (the very best violinist) of the New York Philharmonic. I told him that he had my dream job. "Well, I won't be there forever," he said. I asked him for his autograph and this is what he wrote: "To Jamie, the dreamer. Hope they come true! - Glen Dicterow" For now I keep on dreaming, as does every musician, and I thank God that He has given me a purpose, a hope, and maybe even a place on stage at Carnegie Hall.

Chapter Six: The Familiar Street

2005-08-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

Grace and Self Denial soon arrived at a place that seemed so dark and eerie that all would avoid it. "Why are we here?" said Grace. There came no answer. She thought she saw Self Denial through the shadows, but his form was barely visible because of the quickly encroaching darkness of night. "Well, well, well. Who do we have here?" sneered Pride. Grace jumped at a voice that was not familiar. "Who are you? What have you done with my friend." "Your friend has left you all alone," he said in a pitying voice. "You can survive without him, without anyone. He has deserted you here because he knows that you need depend on no one." It was then that the hideous form stepped out of the shadows, exposing his face to Grace. She was not startled, though, because she had been so influenced by Self Denial that instead of seeing what was really there she saw what she wanted to see. She actually thought him beautiful because of the "white glowing robes and the angelic face," as she later remembered. This was yet another sign of her increasingly gray complexion. And as she followed Pride through the shadowy streets of downtown Chicago her skin took on another, darker hue. Pride grinned at the success of his companions and secretly determined to out do them all. Suddenly, Grace realized that she was standing in the very same place where she had met Loneliness what seemed like ages ago. A chill crept up her spine as she remembered that night, but the advice and ideas of her new companions had convinced her that her actions that night no longer mattered, and she chose to continue to follow Pride through the darkness. As the two disappeared into the night Self Denial made his way back to headquarters. "Annus will be pleased, very pleased," he whispered to himself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Faith, Hope and Love began their journey on Earth in Chicago, the very city where Pride was beginning to overtake their dear friend Grace. As they walked the streets, unseen by men, their senses were heightened. If not for their loving Maker, the presence of evil would have been unbearable. Sin existed in all capacities, from the brothels, bars, and night life to the quiet citizen full of bitterness and anger. The three had discussed possibilities and decided that their best bet was not to directly confront Grace, because she had already put up a wall of defense. Instead, they chose to show her things that might cause her to ponder her new belief system. Within hours the three companions came upon Grace, who was stumbling through a middle-class housing development. She was closely watched by Pride, but he was not leading her. Strangely enough, he was a step behind her, like a shadow that you can’t tell is there. His face was encompassed with a sly grin, which quickly faded when he sensed the presence of light. Suddenly he became alert and wheeled about to see what was there. Hope stepped out with the affirming nods of her companions and spoke his name. Quickly, he turned again, and at the sight of her great shining light he ran. If Grace had not been lost in her own thoughts she might have heard him squealing. With Pride gone Hope stepped aside to allow the chosen messenger through. The Maker had chosen Love as the best weapon against Pride, and she took her charge very seriously. Hope and Faith watched and waited as Love quietly walked up behind Grace.

Grace suddenly felt an overwhelming sensation of dizziness and pressure in her chest. The Fear that had already encompassed her heart gripped tighter as she wondered what could possibly be happening to her physical body. She did not know what to do. "He loves you," she heard almost whispered from behind her. Turning about, she saw one of the most beautiful creatures in all the Maker’s kingdom. Love stood, encompassed by a light so pure it cannot be looked at with the human eye. Within her human body, Grace had to look away. It was then that she realized what she had done to herself. Of course she recognized Love as one of her dearest friends from back home. "Home," she thought, "It would be so nice to be home." "Why can’t I look at you?" she said. Love replied in a very consoling voice, but also with sternness, "You have chosen a different path, one away from the Maker. Things you had before you will never have again, until you choose the one thing that you have yet rejected." Grace fell to her knees, face to the ground, and began to weep. "I can’t," she replied simply. "I just can’t." Within an instant the blinding light was gone and Grace looked up to find only emptiness on quiet streets. She had some how expected to be convinced to come back, and she couldn’t understand why her dear friend would leave her so soon. "I am no longer worthy of her company," she thought. Grace stood and slowly continued walking in no particular direction at all. The Maker had chosen the hard way to win her back, and in His perfect will He knew that if Grace did not come back on her own, she would never come back to stay. There would be many difficult days ahead, for both of them.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Why do we write?

2005-08-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

Someone I work with recently said that "the true purpose of all writing is to pove the existence of God." I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I honestly have not decided if I agree with it or not. This made me think about how we all probably have different reasons for writing, and even though we all share our common love for Christ we may not share our "writing purpose." I would like to hear what you think about this. Do you believe we all have a common purpose as writers to "prove the existence of God" or do you think we all have our own separate purposes as writers? And also, why do you personally love to write? For me, I think that my purpose as a writer is not to prove the existence of God, but to bring people closer to the reality of His love through the stories that He gives me. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. :)

Chapter Five: A City to Remember

2005-07-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

As Grace and Self Denial walked the streets of Chicago new ideas flooded Grace’s mind. Her conscience told her that these "things of the world" were wrong and not a part of the good that the Maker offered, but she quickly reminded herself that she was no longer a part of the Maker and therefore her conscience was of no value to her. Grace stared in awe at the tall, majestic buildings and the thousands of people that walked the streets. There were humans of all kinds: male, female, black, white, Asian, Indian, old, and young. It was hard for her to form a stereotype of these humans because they were all so different. "Tell me about them," she said to Self Denial. "Well," he began, "they are very independently minded creatures. The just love to do what they want, when they want and will stop at nothing to achieve their dreams, especially those in America." Grace gave him a blank stare at the mention of that strange word and, sensing her question, Self Denial went on to explain. "This planet called earth is made up of different continents, which are divided into countries, which are then divided into states, counties, cities, towns, etcetera. You know that Chicago is a city, but it is also a part of the country called America." "And what about this ‘American dream’ that you speak of? Is it a creature, a spirit like us?" At that Self Denial smiled. He was not ready by any means to disclose the schemes of Annus to Grace, for she was still in the process of deception, but he would explain a little bit about American Dream. "Yes," he replied, "American Dream is the one that keeps the hearts and minds of the people in this country going. This creature must encourage people to be friendly to their neighbors, but it also tells them that they must follow their dreams and ambitions at all costs. That is what you are doing, Grace. You are doing what you want to do, regardless of the consequences to others and to yourself." At this, Grace was again stabbed by her conscience, but she convinced herself that American Dream must be a good thing, especially if it managed a whole country. Besides, she was enjoying her newfound freedom. It was so wonderful to not have to obey anyone for a change. In her heart of hearts Grace knew that she was lying to herself, but she was not willing to admit it, for she was getting closer and closer to another creature who would soon become her friend. His name was Pride.

"Come with me, this way," said Self Denial. Grace wondered where they were going, but her complete trust of Self Denial led her to follow him unquestioningly. Little did she know she was about to be transferred from one evil creature to another. Self Denial’s time with her was over and she would soon become the charge of another of Annus’s creatures. The sun was beginning to set as Grace and Self Denial walked the streets of Chicago and Grace was beginning to think that some of the streets looked familiar.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back at Annus’s headquarters there was much commotion. "I want to go next!" shouted Insecurity. "No, me! I want to be next!" shouted Doubt. All was suddenly quiet with one powerful word from Annus, "Silence! I have already chosen who is to be next." They waited, each one anticipating that his name would be called. Finally Annus spoke, "Pride, make your way to the meeting place." The quiet sighs from the others might have been heard if they were allowed out of the throats of Pride’s rivals, but fear of disfavor in the sight of Annus kept them in check. As Pride stepped through the door to earth they all watched with envy, hoping to be next. Annus smiled at this evidence of his power and imagined his triumph over the Maker. All would end well, he knew, for the Maker was weak inside and could never defeat Annus’s powerful force. After all, it was Annus who had successfully led so many away from the Maker in the first place. Previously creatures of great splendor and glory, all who followed Annus had formerly been subjects of the Maker. "Now they are mine," thought Annus, "and soon Grace will be too." One more rebellious angel to add to the multitudes of darkness.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Chapter Four: Earth

2005-07-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

Grace felt overwhelmed by a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions as she was made subject to feelings one never experiences in the Maker’s kingdom. She felt the pull of time and gravity, and the worst of all, a fleshly body. She screamed in pain at the feeling of flesh and sin that engulfed her. Why did she feel so wretched, so wicked? There was no going back now. She had left the Maker’s kingdom for good, and along with it the peace and security she had once known. Her spirit struggled to get out of the flesh that encompassed it, but she was trapped like a wild animal in a cage. "This is my destiny," she though. "I will be trapped forever." Her heart told her that it never had to be this way, but as fear’s grip tightened and thoughts of comfort were replaced with anguish and resentment. Soon Grace was beginning to feel hate for what the Master had done to her. "How could He?" she though. "He could have stopped me. He could have pulled me back." As she continued muttering hateful words under her breath Grace realized that she had forgotten something. All she could see was darkness, and she began to remember that a human, the creature she had become, had eyes. Slowly she opened them and found herself walking down a paved road, desolate and alone. She wondered where she was, and where the strange creatures called humans were. "Maybe I’m not on earth," she thought. Suddenly a shadow jumped from behind a tree. Grace jumped, then realized that it was not a human that she saw, but one of her own.

At first glance it appeared to be Insecurity again, but when she took a second look Grace realized that it was a new creature that she had never seen before. In fact, never in her whole life had she given him a thought. But now things were different, and the time was right for Self Denial to introduce himself. "Hello, Grace," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You know what your heart is telling you, that you’ve made a mistake by coming here, but don’t listen to it. Truth is not in your heart or in believing in something. Truth is what you make it out to be. You can decide what is right and wrong." This idea startled Grace. She had never thought about it before, but with new ideas flying at her as she met each new creature she thought maybe this idea was a good one. "All right," she said, easily falling into his trap. "I decide that coming here was right and that I can do whatever I want." "Very good," scoffed Self Denial. "Now take it even further. You can decide that what you did in Chicago was not a mistake, but was the right decision." Grace took a sharp breath as Self Denial mentioned Chicago. How did he know about that? Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, she thought. I like his ideas. After a long silence Grace asked where she was. "Why, earth of course," he replied. "And I have been sent as your guide. I will show you how this planet works, if you like." Grace agreed to the plan and the two of them began walking side by side down the long, windy, road.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The evil creature Annus was not the only one planning. Back in the Maker’s kingdom a counsel had been called at the Makers abode. All of Grace’s friends, including Hope, Love, Joy, Faith, and Forgiveness, were there along with many other creatures of light. All looked into the gentle, loving eyes of the Maker and waited for him to speak. Finally, he said, "Grace has chosen to leave us." With that a hush fell over the small crowd in the Maker’s living room. "She has gone to earth, relinquishing all claim to me and my kingdom." Quietly, Forgiveness began to sob, her shoulders shaking. No one could understand why Grace had done this terrible thing. The Maker continued, "So far she has listened to Fear, followed Insecurity, and is now walking side by side with Self Denial. We must save her before it is too late. I could do it on my own, but I choose to use her three best friends, Faith, Hope, and Love." The three that were mentioned stood and came forward, their pure white gowns flowing in the breeze and tears streaming down their faces. "Your will be done," they said quietly. The maker, with great sadness in his eyes, told them that they had to go to earth. "It is the only way," he said. The three left the building quietly, heading for the same ornate door grace had past through just hours before. When they stepped through, they were encompassed by a quite different felling than Grace had been. Yes, they could sense time, gravity, and even sin, but they were not subject to it. As servants of the Maker on a mission for him they knew that his love and security would carry them as they searched for their missing friend.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Self Denial and Grace continued on their journey, and soon they came to a small farm. Grace jumped at the sound of a tractor starting and realized that there was a person on it. You cannot imagine the thoughts that went through her mind as she saw the man. It was not her first time to see a human, if you remember her trip to Chicago, but she had seen very few and each time she was fascinated. His long gray beard was full of the soil that he worked with and he wore blue, musty overalls over a shirt that probably used to be white. He appeared to be very concentrated on his work, and the noise of the tractor kept him from noticing the slightest movement, although it would not have mattered anyway, because Grace and Self Denial could not be seen by the humans. They were able watch and observe without being noticed. It is a gift given only to those that are from the kingdoms of light and darkness. Grace was in danger, though, of becoming visible. Even after all her mistakes she was still a member of the Maker’s kingdom but if she became rebellious she could very easily turn gray, and then the humans would be able to see her. Do not mistake my meaning, for there is no middle ground between light and darkness. I speak only of one who is becoming progressively more dark, and one of those progressions is the color gray.

Grace and Self Denial moved on down the road and soon came to a door visible only to them. "Do you care to go to a city?" whispered Self Denial. "Yes," said Grace, "I would very much like to see a lot of humans at one time." "Then step through this door, and we will be there." For a moment Grace was suspicious of Self Denial, and she remembered her other friends back home. But the suspicion lasted only a moment and she stepped through the door, with almost complete trust in Self Denial. When she opened her eyes she was standing in front of a sign that read "Chicago post office." Did we have to come to this city, she wondered. There were so many things here to remind her of her fall. Suddenly, and almost without thinking she repeated the words that Self Denial had planted in her mind a few hours earlier. "I did not make a mistake in Chicago, I made the right choice." With that she felt a stab of guilt but chose to ignore it. She had taken the first step to changing colors, and her complexion took on a slight gray hue, causing Self Denial to smile.

Life

2005-07-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a week since I last posted. Nothing exciting has happened in that time, but I have learned a lot about myself. Each day, as I endeavor to make a difference for my Lord at my job and with my friends, I learn how much I need His help, and how little I can accomplish on my own. The older I get, the more I find the need to develop my own convictions. Yet, as I stand alone in places that my parents can not come (like my job), I realize that I need to constantly remind myself of what I believe. I know deep in my heart what I belive, but it is truely a struggle to let it come out in my every day actions. I want so desperately for the people around me to see Jesus in me, but it is very easy to let the Devil tell me that it is not important. So day to day I struggle to defeat that lie, and to let Jesus live through me.

I will be getting my computer (which has been out for repairs) back tonight, so I will soon post the next chapter of my story. Thanks to all of you who have kept up with it. :)

The Miracle of Life

2005-07-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with such a feeling of love when I place my hand on my friend's very large stomach. Yes, one of my best friends is six months pregnant. I find myself wanting to hug her and cry every time I see her, because I am so amazed at the miracle growing inside of her, and also have such great respect for what she is going through. Although I can never understand the feelings she is experiencing, I find myself wanting so badly to go through this with her. The truth is, she is changing in a way that I can not comprehend, and I am being left behind. Yes, it makes me sad, but I am beginning to realize as all of my friends (and me too!) are getting older that life takes people in different directions, and sometimes you are not allowed to bring all of your friends along. Just as I walk on to campus every day, feeling like school is my second home, she walks around with a second life inside of her. Neither of us can understand the other one's life, yet I pray that our friendship endures. I suppose that is the most true test of friendship, to be able to stay close when your lives are so distinctly separated. I have passed the test with my very best friend who has lived two states away for more than six years and has been married for six months. We are still best friends, and will be forever. We teach each other about our different lives, and remain connected through our love for Christ and each other. I pray I can pass this test of friendship a second time.

Summer continues!

2005-07-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but "the coffee business" has kept me so buisy that I haven't had time for much but making coffee and sleeping. Most days I have to be at work before 7 am, sometimes even as early as 4:45 am! My job is so much fun and all the people I work with are great, so it is really nice because the time flies while I'm working. I can't even think about counting minutes...I'm lucky if I get to look at the clock once or twice. I have attempted to start my summer reading, but it hasn't happened yet. It is hard for me to start a book, but I know that once I get into it I will not want to do anything else but read. I plan to begin practicing violin next week because I will have to prepare for the Baylor Symphony auditions, which are in August. I also would like to continue my study of German so I can take that CLEP test at the end of the summer. The book I've been trying to start is "The Heavenly Man". I don't know the name of the author offhand, but it is about Christian Brother Yun (I think), who is/was a persecuted Christian in China. I'm looking forward to reading it very much. Anyway, I thought I'd just give an update. Hope all of your summers are going well!

Summer Reading

2005-06-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone is looking for something interesting to read this summer, check out Till We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis. It's a fascinating story from ancient Greek mythology. I read that Lewis used the story to portray Christianity, but I found no connection at all, so let me know if you're able to see beyond the story. I would be very interested to hear your perspective. Have a wonderful week!

Chapter Three: Grace's Escape

2005-06-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

Grace walked to her own residence, which was small and only moderately beautiful compared to that of the Maker. Still, she had been happy there. She reminisced on happier times as she walked, but at the same time a plan unfolded in her mind. "I am no longer good enough for him," she thought. "There is no way I can accept the Maker’s forgiveness, it’s too good to be true." She began to walk faster and soon broke into a run as she got closer to home. She did not see him, but Fear was chasing her as she ran, steadily increasing his grip on her heart. By the time she reached home, Grace’s heart was fully encompassed by the giant hands of Fear, and he laughed mockingly at his success. "That was easy!" he squealed. "Just wait until I report back to Annus." Grace entered the house, not bothering to close the door behind her. Fear followed her in and watched as he controlled her heart. She ran to her room and began tearing belongings from the bookshelves and windowsills. She ripped clothing from her dresser droors and stuffed it in an old, tattered suitcase. She sat on it as she latched the top, but when she yanked it from her bed, the handle fell off. Grace was overcome with emotions and sank down on her bed to weep. Finally, she fell asleep.

At 2:00 am Grace heard a loud crash and started out of bed. The front door had been slammed shut by the wind. "I’ve got to get out of here," she thought. She now realized that running frantically through the streets in broad daylight would not have been the most effective plan. She tiptoed out of bed and grabbed her suitcase, leaving the house quietly. She would have to find another way to escape. As she walked down main street, the gold pavement lighting the way, an ugly creature stepped out of the shadows. "I will help you to escape," sneered Insecurity. Grace jumped and backed up, trapping herself against the wall of the nearest building. "Who are you?" she said, her voice shaky. "They don’t want you here. The Maker told me just this evening that you were a disgrace to his kingdom. Leave with me and escape your impending punishment." "Punishment? The Maker told me he would forgive me," said grace nervously, still not sure who she was speaking to. "If you stay, you will be punished by shunning," said Insecurity, proud of his deceptive lies." Grace, forgetting that believing the lies of one of Annus’ creatures was what had gotten her into trouble in the first place, spoke to this creature one final time. "I want to go to the place where the humans live, that place they call Earth." Insecurity spoke two quiet words, "follow me." He disappeared into the shadows once again and Grace hurried after him with Fear not to far behind.

A messenger arrived at the meeting place where Annus was impatiently waiting for him. "All is well," said the messenger. "Grace’s heart belongs to Fear and she is following Insecurity through the darkness." Annus smiled and let out a haughty laugh. All was going just as planned. Soon, one of the Maker’s own would belong to him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As grace followed Insecurity blindly, she began to feel more confident in her choice. She believed now that there was no way for her to be reconciled with the Maker, and her only choice was to leave his Kingdom. After what seemed like hours of traveling in darkness, Insecurity and Grace arrived at a very large ornate door. It was decorated with symbols of all the feelings one could imagine: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, hurt, love, and hate. "There is something you must do before you can enter," said Insecurity. "Yes," murmured Grace pitifully, "What is it?" Insecurity, sneering at his success, answered her confidently, "You must relinquish your claim to the Maker’s kingdom. Once you leave you must understand that it is His decision to let you back in." "I do," said Grace as she let go of her suitcase, letting it fall to the ground. "I relinquish all claim." The Maker, who had been watching the whole ordeal let out a wail at these words and fell to his knees, weeping. "Why won’t she accept my forgiveness," he thought. I was so close to her and now she has rejected me." The door opened and Grace stepped through into the planet Earth.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Changes and decisions...

2005-06-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

I got back from my trip to New York City last tuesday, nearly a week ago. I learned so many things, and I was so challenged in my music. I was a little discouraged because I know that I am not at the "Juilliard level", but I am also very driven now to bring myself up to that level. That is where my upcoming decision comes in: I have to decide what college to transfer to after the spring of 2006. Before college I never thought this far ahead about anything, and it is still strange to me, but I realize that there are deadlines, so I ask for your prayers as I make this decision. Thanks a bunch!

Chapter Two: The Master Plan

2005-05-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

Annus, the head of all the dark creatures, called a meeting at his headquarters. He had spoken with loneliness after his meeting with Grace in Chicago and commended the creature for his astounding deception of one that belonged to the Maker. It was exceptionally rare for one of the Maker’s own to be deceived, but Grace had fallen into the trap, and now the whole of the dark side was preparing to win her over. The dark side was made up entirely of those that had fallen from the Makers favor and winning another over was more to hurt the Maker than to benefit darkness. Annus’ whole goal was to make the Maker miserable, as long as his days continued. He knew his time was short, and he was counting the minutes.

As the creatures of darkness gathered, Annus scanned the crowd. He saw some of his personal favorites, Fear, Pride, Hate, Deception, Rejection, and Rebellion, sitting close to the front in their reserved seats. They were talking about their most recent expeditions on the human planet. "I have completely taken over the lives of a woman and her family," said Fear with a snarl. "The woman has cancer and instead of turning to the Maker, they turned to me. I’ll keep them wondering and waiting in agony every minute of their life!" He sat back in his chair with a humph, satisfied that he had outdone all other creatures. "That’s nothing compared to mine," said Rebellion. I have succeeded in causing 300 teenagers to run away from home in the last month. They’re out on the streets, weeping and moaning, but too prideful to go home." "I’ll take credit for them not returning," said Pride. "I was the one who put arrogance in their heart."

Silence reigned over the previously restless audience as Annus stood, his power overcoming them all. He was not as one would expect the leader of darkness to be. In contrast, he was a very beautiful creature. His robe was made of white satin and he glowed in tranquility. When speaking to his subjects he was forceful, but when engaged in deception his voice was as soft as that of a whisper. He had an aura of peace about him that attracted even the Maker’s most loyal servant. His powerful voice boomed as he spoke to the crowd. "I have called you here for a very serious matter. We have succeeded in deceiving one of the Maker’s own. Now we must convert her." Hate rose, shaking, and in his squeaky voice volunteered for the job. "Silence!" shouted Annus. "This will be a job for many, but only the strongest will go. You will be battling the powerful forces of the Maker. Although we will win, we must not underestimate his power." The dark creatures stared in wonder, each pleading in his heart to be chosen. Anyone who succeeded in this task would be forever in Annus’ favor. "You will step forward as I call your name," said Annus, now more calm. "The ones I have chosen are Fear, Doubt, Insecurity, Rejection, Rebellion and Self Denial. Your leader will be the one who has made this possible, the one who met Grace in Chicago and led her astray. His name is Loneliness."

As his name was mentioned, loneliness stood and approached the front of the auditorium. Annus stepped back to watch his plan unfold. He was curious to see what kind of a leader this new favorite would be. If Loneliness was nervous no one could tell. His features were firm, set in a frown. His dark cape hung low, almost dragging on the ground, as he walked toward the stage. A hush fell over the crowd as this powerful creature stood to speak. "I have always been powerful," he said, "but we are in the dawn of a new era in which I will have great dominion!" Fear shook involuntarily. Was this new favorite of Annus’ going to dominate darkness? Loneliness continued, "We will conquer the whole human race with a new strategy. No longer will our main forces be rebellion, hate, and violence. From now on we will use fear, insecurity, and loneliness to destroy the Maker’s creation. His "children" as he calls them will be utterly and completely destroyed to the point of submission. Are you with me?" The creatures of darkness stood and cheered. They were all beginning to see the reality in the new strategy. Annus smiled slyly as he watched his subjects. This could very well be the best thing to happen to darkness since Nazi Germany.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Chapter One: The Fall

2005-05-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

Grace wandered through the dark and dreary streets of downtown Chicago, wondering if she had taken a wrong turn. The Maker had told her that she would find a child, lost and alone on a deserted street. She had been wandering around for hours with no sign of a lost child. Suddenly, as she rounded a corner, she came face to face with a hideous being of inferior proportions. With a sinister laugh this creature called loneliness confronted Grace with his opinion of the situation. "I have already found the child, and it belongs to me now," said loneliness. Grace did not know what to say. She had never felt failure so strongly. She stared for a moment at the creature before her, then turned away, disappointed that she had failed. What she did not know was that she had believed the lies of loneliness, and chosen failure instead of hope.

As Grace made her way back to the Maker’s residence, she wondered what his reaction to her failure would be. Would he be angry? Would he still love her? She could see the Maker’s house from the end of the street, it’s diamond windows gleaming in the sunlight. The beams were made of pure gold, inlaid with precious stones. The satin shades on the inner windows were drawn back, revealing the Maker speaking with someone. "I shouldn’t bother him," she thought. She debated whether this was a good enough excuse to avoid confronting him, but as she approached the doorway she saw his visitor, another of her kind, leaving the house. Hope, who had just been to speak with the Maker, said a few simple words, "I missed you yesterday. Why did you not call for me?". These words penetrated Grace’s heart as the two passed on the golden walkway. Grace now had no choice but to enter.

Relief flooded her as she saw the Maker come to the doorway and smile reassuringly. He turned to walk in the house and she followed. Although she had been to his residence countless times, the fineries never ceased to amaze her. The tapestries were braded gold, silver, and bronze, the walls were covered in gems, and the furniture was made out of pure lace and satin linens. The Maker invited Grace to sit in her usual chair, but this was not like her usual times of fellowship with him. In the past she had sat in her favorite royal purple linen chair, talking and laughing with him, but now she was unsure of herself. The lies of doubt and insecurity were creeping into her mind. She saw everything as through a fog, confusing and indistinguishable. The Maker spoke. "You could have told him no," he said. "I don’t understand," said Grace nervously. "who are you talking about?" The Maker let out a sad sigh and continued. "When you met loneliness last night in Chicago you could have said no to his lies and continued on your search for the child." "How could I? The child already belonged to loneliness, I had no power to take it back," said Grace. "Maybe you did not have any power," said the Maker, "but if you had only asked, I would have come and helped you." Grace was again flooded with guilt as she realized the depth of her mistake. She knew all the time that loneliness had no power over the Maker, or even herself, but she had fallen when she believed that hideous creature’s lies. A child’s life was forever changed because she had forgotten her Maker’s precious words, "I will never leave you or forsake you." The Maker’s voice brought her back to reality as he explained that all she needed to do was to ask for forgiveness and her mistake would be wiped from his memory. She knew this was true, but she felt the need to think about it. "I have to go," she said standing up suddenly. She was not yet ready to accept his love. She felt her mistake had been too big. The Maker allowed her to go, but his heart was torn apart as she walked out the door. He looked at the wounded hand he had rested on the doorpost, and wept.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

Starbucks and the World of Coffee

2005-05-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

I stepped into a new world today: the world of gormet coffee. Yes, I am now an employee of Starbucks Coffee Company. It's so much fun!! Come read a book and sip a mocha!

Harry Potter...

2005-05-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I was considering the effect that the Harry Potter books and movies are having on children. Witchcraft and sorcery are accepted as ok, and even fun. This is SO damaging to our culture and to the very truth that needs to be taught to these children. While considering this, I thought about a way to counteract this negative influence. I decided to write a book of my own that shared truth and light instead of lies and darkness. I have been writing it off and on over the past few years, and I thought I might share the first few chapters with you. Would anyone be interested in giving me an honest critique? I would really apprecitate it! I find that inspiration is exciting, but I don't know if what comes out of it is readable or enjoyable.

Two Words...

2005-05-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

...I'm finished!!! (extra word: Yay!)

Quiet

2005-05-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

As I listen to the quiet evening, I wonder what life will be like in a few days, when finals are finished. My dad has told me several times this month "You know that old saying, 'If the devil can't make you bad, he'll make you buisy'?" Well, maybe that's what happened, and maybe not, but I know that I have been far buisier that anyone ever should be. I think we all know the feeling of running from one thing to another with no time to breathe in between, much less time to stop and pray. During these times I find myself praying mostly for peace (while I'm in the car, headed to the next activity) The difficulty in this is the "fact" that all of these activities are important. Have you heard of the book There Were Two Trees? I know there must be so many things that I am doing that are "good things", but not "God things". So now that the semester is over, and this endless Monday that has lasted for the past three weeks is finished, I will have time to sit, rest, and ponder. What will I ponder? Well, there is my book that I plan to finish, and my other book that I plan to start, but I want to put a particular book on the top of the list. One that has special meaning for my life. (Can you guess which one I'm talking about?) Yes, you guesed right (at least I think you did). I want to study the Bible. I have felt so, well, crunched for time lately that the most I have gotten is my daily portion before I go to bed. I am so excited about having free time to spend just reading and praying, but most of all I want to develop a dependence on it that will last a lifetime. Yes, I know I should already be totally dependent on God and his word for sustenance, and in a way I am, but I want to go deeper. I want to reach a point where I am so dependent on Him that to miss a morning spent with Him would cause me deep distress. I suppose we all reach this point at some time in our lives, and my time is now. I am ready to go deep sea diving, but with this diving suit the only way to replenish your oxygen is to go deeper. In one of my favorite songs Steven Curtis Chapman says it perfectly: "I'm divin' in!"

Here Comes Summer!

2005-04-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

Summer is just around the corner, and with it comes a change of pace. I have completed three classes, and only four remain. I will be totally finished by next Wednesday. Yay! I am very excited about all the free time I will have once I'm finished. I am already compiling a list of books to read. This inclues finishing The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King as well as reading The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun (with Paul Hathaway). Who knows, maybe I'll even finish my quilt this summer! I am very excited about the possibility of a job at Starbucks. I've always wanted to work at a coffee shop...I think it would be lots of fun. I am also planning to study my German this summer (it's been about a year since I've seriously spoken it) so I can take the German Clep in August. Life will be exciting next fall too, but I don't want to look that far ahead right now. I'm still enjoying the moment, especially with regards to my special new friend Courtney. I only met her in January and she is transferring to DBU in August, so I will not see her very often. I thank God for the blessings of this year, and the blessings to come. Enjoy your spring!

God can change our hearts in more ways than one

2005-04-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a week this has been! Dad had triple bypass sugery on Tuesday after going to the emergency room on Sunday morning. He had been having a progressive heart attack all the previous night. I thank God for the many blessings He has given us during this past week. So many friends have stood by us, bringing us meals and sending us flowers, and so many people have helped speed Dad's recovery with thier prayers. Thanks to all of you who were praying! Dad is still in the hospital, but should be coming home in a couple of days. Right now the main concen is the infection in his arms due to an I V that was left in too long. Please pray for a quick healing on that one as well.
I want to share with you a special miracle that God gave us. For a while now Dad has had severe blockage in two of his main arteries (there are three). When he got to the hospital, the tests showed that two arteries were completely blocked and the third was almost 90% blocked. The whole left side of his heart was stopped from flowing, except that the right side of his heart grew veins over to the left side. That is what kept him alive. Thank you Jesus!
Again, I appreicate your prayers so much. Once again God has showed me how much He cares and I am truly blessed by our many friends who have come to the rescue this week.

Ahavat Hashem

2005-03-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

I was trying to find something interesting to call my blog and so today I started looking for Hebrew words with unique meanings. I found one phrase that I think will become my favorite and because it is my new blog address, I wanted to explain it to you. Ahavat Hashem means "The love of God." It is a phrase that comes from the word "Ahavah" which is Hebrew for "love." So there you go! What beautiful words to speak out loud. If you want to try it, say it like this: (ah-ha-VAT ha-SHEM).

Following my dreams

2005-03-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

Life is crazy right now, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. Well, maybe not every minute :) Sometimes the craziness of it becomes so rediculous (I can't even spell it) that I just stop and wonder what I am doing living a life like this. Then I remember that I am living my dream, and working towards the next one. That is what keeps me going, and that is what will help me to achieve my goals. In less than two months I am going to spend a week at Juilliard. I will be listening to the teaching of Itzalk Perlman, the most famous violinist in the world. What kind of a dream is that? To spend a week in the place idolized by musicians and actors and everyone else in the arts, as a spectator of the goings on there, and to watch the movement of a city so full of life that it is known all over the world is such a dream come true that I can't even imagine its reality. What a God I serve that He has brought me to the foot of this mountain that I have seen my whole life as through a telescope. Now I see its curves and cliffs and I realize that only I can take the first step. This gorgeous creation of God called music has been a part of my heart forever, and now God has given me the means to climb this mountain and stand at the top and sing his praises. Can you see that picture...me standing in the wind on the highest peak and playing my violin to His glory? I can because He has given me the gift of talent, the desire for success, and a passion for music that no one can take away. I pray that you find the one thing that makes your heart sing, and when you do don't ever let it go.